themeaghercovenant.blogspot.com

hope to see you there!

While its a very humble town, the church that exists there means the world to me.  Take all the positive and encouraging words Paul poured out on all the churches throughout the New Testament and that would be exactly how I feel about the church in Maycoba.  There aren’t many in the congregation – last I new it was around 30-50 –  and they live hard and difficult lives, but they keep living on in the strength that God gives to them.

Over a year ago I went and stayed with a family of the church for a few weeks. It was just after the new year and they had had their share of struggles. To begin with there are 7 kids and about as many grandkids, and odd jobs are the only source of income since the only “real” jobs available in town are in the drug business. So surviving and putting food on the table alone is a struggle.  But along with the constant battle of  a substantial income, the year had many other surprises. The year had started with Evelia’s daughter getting into a car accident and almost losing her vision. As spring came Evelia’s mother began losing her fight with cancer and Evelia cared for her until she passed away in early summer.  While still in grieving the loss of her mother, her son-in-law was the prey of suspicious hit men. Over 200 rounds were fired and miraculously he only suffered 5 hits, but he did suffer, and not only did Evelia’s family worry for his life but also for the lives of her whole family because they had helped him survive. Next came Evelia’s husbands illness. He came down with pneumonia during the fall and the doctors gave him zero chance of surviving. They sent him home numerous times saying there was nothing more that they could do and he should die at home.

And then came the new year, and I found myself sitting in Evelia’s small but welcoming kitchen as she sighed and hoped that this new year would bring new hope. But her faith never wavered, and she continued visiting and encouraging all the other believers in town. At one point, after her story telling, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and asked if, from a counseling perspective, she was ok or totally off her rocker. I remember wishing I could just pull my heart out and hook it up to speakers for her to hear what it thought. Ok?  This woman had just watched her entire life almost get stripped away and yet she stands strong in her faith, welcoming new comers, reaching out to encourage other believers, and always, always praising her God.

I miss them. I miss that small little church. And I get what Paul means when he says his heart longs to visit and hopes it is not long before he does.

I’ve applied for several jobs over the last few weeks. I could apply to more, but to be honest, I dread the thought of the professional world – I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be a professional.  Yesterday kind of sealed the deal on that one. I went to a fashion show (I was very kindly invited to it), and while the experience was great, and I loved the show, I came away realizing I just don’t want to live that life.

I hate the thought of climbing the ladder, building a resume, sounding impressive….. and the list goes on…….  I just don’t want to live in that world. I like real life. I like being a person who connects to people because they are another human being. The work world just seems so made up – every one looks nice, everyone speaks well, everyone acts professional, and their worlds revolve around things that are generally a human invention.

And as I was driven home I started to think about where I lived. It isn’t the best of areas or apartment complexes (which is mainly due to our ignorance of the area and lack of knowledge in picking a first apartment.) and I’m pretty sure the lady who drove me home was a little nervous to be where we were. I think about that, and how ideally we would have wanted a better and more reputable area to live in. And yet, all the positions I applied for were child care positions in emergency shelters and homes for the neglected and abused.  And I wondered why it was that I would wish to live in a nicer and safer place when I want to work and minister to those who don’t. How ironic – my heart is all for loving the abandoned and abused and yet I’m not for living where they live. Lesson learned.

I guess in the end this made up world of ours gets into all of our heads. If only we could see through it all – if only we could take all the man made things out and see the eternal……..if only

And believe it or not, I’m actually posting about the church we’ve been attending and how much I’ve been blessed by it.  (The ‘believe it or not’ part is because I’ve seemed more critical about the church lately.) But this church is like none I’ve ever attended. I feel as though it should be called St. Peters because it reminds me so much of how Jesus took a nobody like Peter and used him to do great things for His name. Instead, it’s called Metanoya (I have no idea as to the origin of the name), and its in down town San Antonio. Only it’s not the down town of San Antonio that’s famous, it’s the down town San Antonio that San Antonio natives have never been to nor would ever dream of going.

Every Sunday there are parking attendants in the parking lots and in all the side streets (the parking lots always overflow) watching our cars so that they don’t disappear while we’re in church. There’s a policeman that stands outside the building every Sunday (I have yet to know if the city sends him or if the church hires him), and ushers that not only seat you but also work as body guards who always seem to be watching the door and scanning the crowd. And the service is so packed that there’s never a untaken seat – none of this sitting in the back or leaving a few spaces between you and the next person – there’s not room for that.

As to the service – the hour of worship usually ends with the band being outsung by the congregation – sometimes I can’t even hear the band over the singing – I love that. And the preaching – which also lasts about an hour – usually covers an entire chapter of scripture – every verse read out loud.  And the teaching is great. I always feel fed, encouraged and cared for – cared for because the pastor has a passion to equip his congregation. He cares that they’re equipped, that they know the scriptures, and that they know the Christian life and know their God.  The leadership of the church cares for nothing but that the people who attend become the living, breathing Body of Christ.  They desire them to worship God, to know God, to know His word, to do His work, to become like Him, and to glorify Him with their lives. Their passion for their congregation just flows out of them and you can’t help but see it.  I love it.

And the congregation….aside from being primarily Hispanic which makes me feel at home, half of them are from the rehab center the church runs – that’s the half that always sings the loudest. But the rest are all just real people as well, real people living real life and wanting the realness of God to be a reality.  There’s absolutely nothing perfect about anyone – that’s a given, and no one would expect more.

And this church isn’t perfect – I guess that just doesn’t exist. But I always come away uplifted, fed, and like a pressure’s been taken off. And the encouragement comes from the church itself because it’s truly The Church – the Body of Christ. Their passion is Christ because they desperately need Christ in their lives. He’s a need, a source of survival, the person whom they depend upon. Christ is their everything. I love it. I love being a witness to a church who is in need of a Saviour….

I have to say I’ve been rather content lately. There’s something about just knowing that God is in control and being able to rest in that that changes all of life.  I’m in the middle of job searching, both vehicles are on the down and out, apparently the government is shutting down (and therefore possibly affecting paychecks) –  and it feels so good to not stress about any of it.

I’ve enjoyed waking up and knowing that God once again has brought the sun to shine on the day; eating breakfast and thanking Him for the food He has provided for us.  It’s just been good to be at peace and rest. I think months of sitting at home has helped me enjoy the simple things again. Although I will admit, it’s way easier for me to trust God and not worry about the things I can’t control than it is for me to trust Him when I have to make a decision. I’ll let life happen without a worry many times, but give me three jobs to choose from and I’ll probably stress about it all week. But nonetheless, my soul seems more at peace than it has at other times.

I will say though that lately my heart has started burning with the urge to jump back into people’s lives.  I find myself missing the challenge of reaching a lost heart, I miss that fight and struggle to break down walls, I miss seeing God work in the lives of young people. It’s been on my heart and mind a lot lately – but its good that it’s coming from a more rested version of me.

I guess for now I’ll stick to reading St. Augustine, Paul, and Louie Giglio, doing dishes, laundry, and writing letters. But when the time comes – I’m more than ready to plug into a place thriving with lost and guarded souls….

And in all seriousness and reality, I’m not pitying myself or being dramatic. But I think it’s a mere fact that the words that are in Christian songs don’t even come close to being lived out in real life. They make us feel good and they make us feel passionate. And while my heart fully wants and desires to follow God, I can’t help but know that I am so far from His Holiness. I’m so far from even understanding what a Great and Might God I truly do serve.

I know, I’m cynical and a skeptic. I fully realize that and often consider where it leads me, but I also deep down feel like there is so much more. There’s so much more to God, so much more to His kingdom that He wishes we realized, so much more to His Holy Spirit in us, so much more than this life we’re living.  And I long for it. I long to understand it, and I’m tired of pretending that it already exists in our or my Christian life.

I’ve been reading through the gospels these last couple of weeks and almost at every story I find myself longing to be one of those standing by Jesus, hearing His words, and seeing what God on earth really looked like. I soak up how He lived His life honoring God and my mind races with a million questions.  There’s so much I don’t understand – so much I just don’t get. And yet, I love reading the stories of Jesus. He knew the ways of God; He knew God’s heart for this world. He offered and promised so much for this life, and yet it doesn’t ever seem to show up anymore. And not for a second do I think He has failed to fulfill His promises, instead I think we fail to understand and we fail to “grasp hold of  that which Christ has laid hold of (us)”.

And that is why I listen to Addison Road’s song over and over. It’s my confession to God. My confession of being so finitely minded that I cannot and have not comprehended His infinite Being. I just want to know more. I want my hear to understand more. I want my life to reflect more….

But tonight I found a very inspiring blog lovecominghome.wordpress.com  The blogger is a designer who focuses not only on loving the home you’ve made, but also the relationships that are in the home.  All the time I’ve wasted on blog surfing I now feel is justified just in finding this one blog.

And in honor of her blog I’m setting a table and two chairs out on our porch. My husband is coming home from a sleep study tomorrow morning and just maybe we’ll get the chance to have breakfast out on the porch together. I’m making a choice, seizing a moment and creating a home my husband loves coming home to….  Great way to end the day.

After a week of staying warm, inventing dinners and feeling quite sick, I feel as though I’m on the upside of things and I’ve been considering what would be a good use of my time. I came to the conclusion that my mind and body are in much need of exercise and that my heart, while it has needed a rest, could now use some uplifting thoughts and growth.  So instead of slowly passing the time meandering from thing to thing as I do every  morning, today I ate my breakfast accompanied by the Bible, My Utmost for His Highest and Hannah Whitall Smith. Great company for breakfast, I must admit. And I had a journal along for the ride to jot down any thoughts (quotes really) that struck me. A few weeks ago I was asked to begin gathering my thoughts over the next 6 months for a speaking engagement , and the journal is where all those thoughts will be going.

And after breakfast, I spent quite a bit of time on brain puzzles, which proved to me that my brain was definitely out of shape. haha. I’m hoping to write an article on some research I did a year ago, and that is my motivation to get my mind working like it used to.

As for the rest of the day, I have some good cleaning to do and dinner to make like always, and I’ll be pulling out Insanity at some point to get my butt back in to shape…. but it feels good to be striving for something once again.

And once last lingering thought…….last night on a drive with my husband we passed a very intriguing culinary school – something I’ll be looking into for the summer….

And as I head back to San Antonio this week that is what I will be taking with me. Faithfulness.  Not that I feel as though I’ve been unfaithful, I just haven’t thought of faithfulness as a way of life or purpose. Life seems to have been so unsteady, and we’ve rolled with the punches as they’ve come, but it’s still easy to wish there was a normalcy or stability to rely upon.  There just hasn’t been anything to get used to, or any rhythm to follow. Instead it’s been learning how to stumble to a different beat of a different song every other week. And it’s been tiring.

So, as I return, I’m taking my sights of life and its craziness, and instead of wishing life were faithful I’m going to choose to be  faithful. I’ll show up in every circumstance that comes. I’ll be fully present –  faithful to my God and to those around me.  I keep expecting that steady or normal life to come, when really, I need to be that steadiness and  normalcy.  I need that faithfulness to be found within me and not in my circumstances. Why did I ever expect life to be faithful to my expectations anyways?  Some high and lofty thought I got stuck in my heart I guess. But it’s really quite the opposite – I must be faithful in whatever comes my way.

And while it might seem difficult and like I’m losing all control, it really is very freeing.  I’m no longer dependent upon life to meet my expectations. I’m not dependent on life to be steady, stable, or normal. Instead, my only thought is to be faithful wherever i am found and to whatever comes into my path.

This week, in my more “home” like atmosphere, I find myself constantly staring at the books that line our new bookshelves. What do they all have to say? Would I be better off to read them all or worse off for having such conflicting knowledge in my head? Is the reading of many books really wearying to the body as Ecclesiastes says? And what does that mean? Should I read “The Irresistible Revolution” by Shane Claiborne or simply “The Revolution” by Heather Zydek? Do the ancient saints really have more wisdom and truth, or is it the new “relevant” Christian authors that I should be reading, or is it both?

I don’t really know. I struggle with the idea that everything you read influences you in some way. And I also battle with the knowledge that just because something is published doesn’t make it true or valuable. So how do you know what is worth reading, and what is just a person’s desire to feel important in being among the many who have written a book? It all seems so vain, and yet I continue to greatly value reading always finding more and more books I want to own and eventually read.

And I have no conclusion. I guess this is all random thought, that I decided to write about to waste your time. Was it worth reading? Probably not. But for some reason you did, just like I’ll continue reading all the books on my bookshelves…..

As for our small little home….. I guess it will have to wait.  Where I will be in the mean time is yet to be determined. Many prayers are going up about that one. As I have been listening to music all day another smile came when I heard the words sung, “And I don’t want to talk about You like You’re not in the room….”  I smiled because, while we say God has a hand in this, we truly know it. It’s not some distant saying to make everyone feel better. It is truth. God is here, He is here in our little home, and He is there with you. He is close and always will be, and He directs our every path. So we wait in anticipation to see where He will lead. And we can wait, our home can wait. After all are we not citizens of a different Place for which we eagerly watch?

So as I went about this morning, I thought of her, and how deep down she must be crying for something beautiful to come touch her life. And I wondered not only about her, but about all the other lives that live around us. How many of them need a touch of beauty, grace, and love in their lives? I couldn’t answer that because I have yet to meet them.

And that, I have realized, is why I got up so early this morning. I’m going to go meet the neighbors today. Christmas cookies in hand and a hope that  for some reason I will be invited in. And who knows, maybe I will and maybe I won’t. Either way, I’ll be back at their door another day, and I’ll keep trying until I find that something beautiful to offer them. May I have God by my side and His Spirit guiding my heart.

But come to think of it, that’s not why I got on to blog tonight. One of the last postings I read was about how at camp I woke up every morning with “His mercies are new every morning” ringing in my head. And just in reading that one phrase I felt my heart give out a huge sigh. His mercies are new every morning. That rings true for today, for yesterday, and for tomorrow.

I think deep down I’ve been disappointed in myself – that I’m not, or don’t feel like, who I was then. There has been so much change, so much adjustment, and I don’t think that I have really digressed, the challenges have just become greater and more prevalent to where my weaknesses are. But still….. all in all…… I’ve been discouraged and frustrated at who I have been. So to hear “His mercies are new every morning”, and to hear it coming from myself two years ago, was a relief. It was a reminder I desperately needed. Because not only does our God see us through as we sleep each night, He starts each one of our days with a fresh gracing of mercy fully knowing where we will be that day and how we will react. What a truth to be able to stand on.

Do I still wish I were different, maybe a bit more mature? Yeah, hands down. But that’s just really my pride speaking, wishing I were better than I really am. I’m in a good place. A good place because I don’t have the choice but to take every ounce of mercy offered because, yes, God knows I need it.

So tonight I thank Him for His mercy. And I pray that tomorrow my heart will be a little more closer and a little more in tune with His – not because I will be better behaved or more holy, but because maybe then I’ll understand a little more of the depths of HIs grace – and that’s truly the only place I need to be living from.

My thoughts have wandered greatly today, anywhere from pondering the glimpses of the new life that surround me to all the unknowns that still remain. I wonder if the 85 year old man named Tony will really be our apartment neighbor and if  so, will we become good friends? I wonder what church we will go to, I hear there are over 1,300 around. I wonder if I’ll be able to get involved with at risk youth, with 3,000 of them homeless you think they could use willing hand. I wonder all these things and more but what pervades over all of them is a thought that has haunted me since I graduated.

Our university chaplain only spoke once my senior year – a shame since he’s my favorite speaker. But his one sermon was more effective than a hundred put together.  He talked about taking risks and challenges, about how Jesus’ 12 disciples took the entire world, about how the world is waiting for a generation to stand up and reach it for Christ. His speaking was inspiring  and made you want to jump up and run out the door to go live life for Christ. But like all inspiring sermons, I am not haunted by the feel good words, and what is continually pressing in my mind is not feel good sentiments from a motivational speaker. Instead what haunts my mind and heart are his words right before he walked of stage – ” You are the generation that could take the world in Jesus’ name, but you probably won’t…….you probably won’t.”

So I sit here and see the potential of this new life Brain and I have head of us, and all I can think about is why I probably won’t make a difference. And you might think that is too depressing or something that shouldn’t be dwelt upon, but I think it’s more of a reality. Because in reality, we all want to stay protected, we all want to be comfortable, we all deep down want to look out for ourselves. After all, I just moved to a city that has over 1,300 churches and yet 3,000 homeless kids under 17. That’s less than 3 homeless kids per church.  Yeah, maybe I’m being harsh, but I apply it only to myself. I don’t want to spend my life thinking I’m a good Christian doing good deeds only in the end to find out that I really only gave out of the excess of my own comfort.

So all that to say, here I sit in my hotel room with 18 days left to impress upon my heart and lock into my mind how I will take my world in Jesus’ name and not sit incredibly ineffective and out of commission in the realms of my own comfort. I almost wonder if 18 days is enough…

I’m not sure if their negligence was a choice or if was just simply ignorance, but either way, I love how they found themselves living the fullest despite what hardships might come. I love that they took the leap and embraced all that was in front of them. It’s too easy to want a perfect life, and I don’t even mean in marriage, I mean life itself. It’s too easy to not reach out because you might get rejected, it’s too easy to not give cuz you might find yourself in want, it’s easy to not forgive because you’d be risking your safety once again, it’s easy to be busy because you don’t have time to step outside your comfort zone.

We don’t take the risks because we’re afraid of what we will lose. So instead we sit by and lose our live’s one day at a time as they’re filled with the same routine things as the day before. And we never dance, and we never sail, and we never take the adventure that lies ahead of us because we just sit and count the cost and say we can’t.

At the end of chorus, after all the hardship, the artists ends by simply saying, “but that’s what the promise was for.”  Their life together was founded on a promise, and that is what helped them navigate every obstacle that seemed impossible. And don’t we too have a Promise that we found our lives upon? Shouldn’t we then be able to dance in mine fields, sail through storms, and take every single challenge that is coupled with a risk?

While I hope to pick up blogging again, I can’t say how much of my blogging will reflect married life as my poor husband very much enjoys his privacy and doesn’t take to having his existence beemed over the internet. But I will say that I do enjoy sharing life with him very much.

As for life… I am finally finding that rest I’ve so craved for the last year and a half. I take joy in cooking with chili’s and avacados, making coffee with my italian perculator, laughing at all the funny things my husband has to say, and visiting with friends and family.

With all the craziness of the wedding and moving my faithfulness in reading my Bible and connecting with my Savior was dissapointingly lacking, and I’m looking forward to/enjoying spending time with our great God and reconnecting my soul and spirit. I also have a stack of books that I am most excited about, and might even begin to write papers on simply because I miss scholarly activity.

With that I will say goodnight, hoping to have effectively updated my life. It won’t be long until I write again.

And as I thought about it, it made me think of how blind we can be sometimes. I thought I was serving God, and serving those girls. My heart was all in and in my eyes, it was in the right place, and I came back with great stories or redemption to share with people. But I failed miserably to protect the lives of every student at that camp. I failed to be their voice.  I failed to risk my reputation and job to keep their hearts alive. And the whole time I thought Iwas giving my all, sacrificing myself, and being a great example of Christ. And yes, I was stretched and I grew. But I learned more about Christ and God’s love than they every did, and it was all at their expense. If I had really wanted to serve them, I would have sacrificed my whole self on their account, but I wasn’t willing to go that far.
So I apologized and asked forgiveness, and I hope next time I am serving somewhere I will be able to look at things with a better perspective. I hope I’ll take the risk and dive head in, and I hope I’ll have the ability to first see that that needs to be done in the first place. But for now, all I can do is ask for forgiveness, and that brings me joy.

That was my joyful thought for the day.

This morning I was rushing from class to my internship trying to hold back tears because the week had been quite exhausting for me and I really wasn’t ready for another crazy day. I prayed as I was driving to Jackson, just asking God to be there and give me strength to keep going. Well, low and behold I arrive only to find out my supervisor is gone for the afternoon which translates into me reading and answering the phone when it rings. I decided I just needed to read something a little bit more positive (I normally read books on sexual assault and domestic violence) so I pulled out the book on marriage that I had been reading and (God’s blessing) had slipped into my purse (for some strange reason) earlier that morning.  It was great. I sat relaxed for a few hours reading an inspiring book that never failed to point me to Christ. I couldn’ t have been more thankful, and I left my internship thinking that that was a great blessing for the day.

Well, unbeknownst to me, God had another heart warmer in store for me. Brian and I hadn’t seen eachother all day so we decided to go on a walk around 9:30 tonight. As we walked he just started talking about what has been on his heart and what he thinks about our relationship and what he would like it to be. It was so great to hear all the things he had to say, and know that he had thought them through on multiple different levels. And it was just a blessing to hear the Christ in him pour out and want to be the fiance, husband and man that God has made him to be. I think what I love about that blessing is knowing that it’s one that will last a lifetime.

God is good, even when I’m tired and having a crappy week. And His faithfulness can always be found, sometimes it just takes a little waiting until the dust clears to see it.

“I will declare your lovingkindness in the morning, and your faithfulness by night.”   a psalm

#5. I caught up with an old and dear friend this day, and it was so heart warming to hear all that God has done for her. We only see each other once a year and it’s so great to see how God has been so faithful to both of us.

#6. My boss left me with a quote that has stuck with me even now: You just have to let what is be, and trust that God will work in it.

#7. Brian was gone all day, but I woke up to an emailing from him that pointed me to God and asked me to enjoy the day because of  Him. And when he came  home that night he had brought me three gifts. I love when he’s far away and I know he’s thinking of me.

#8. I went on a 2 hour nature walk with a friend. It was so great to enjoy the beautiful weather and the company of a friend when there was no agenda.

#9. Brian and I made dinner for friends of ours who are also engaged. We trade off and on making meals for each other. I love hosting people with Brian and also having friends who are sharing the same stage of life as us.

#10. I got to be with people all day, which was great, but I think I enjoyed the last visitor of the day. I had a friend come over around 10:30 at night, and we sat talked about life and all the changes that are coming. It was good to just talk about life as it is.

#11. I just needed a verse this day and God brought 1 Cor. 1 to me. It talks about how God has chosen the weak and those who are nothing to do His good work. It just lets burdens roll off.

#12. I had to attend a presentation for my internship and I wasn’t all that excited about it. I was assisting in welcoming people and had a portion of reading to do during the presentaion. The blessing part was that Brian went with me, and even though we couldn’t sit together, it was just a huge comfort to know he was there.

So there are my long due posts. Sorry they are so short. I will try to keep better updated on them. I can’t wait to see what today’s joyful moment will bring.