I guess I got sick of this blog. I didn’t like how it looks and couldn’t figure out how to change it. And Brian and I have been talking about starting a blog together. So that’s what we did. So far all the posts are mine, but he’ll be adding in shortly. And just for clarity – I currently don’t like what the new blog looks like, but Brian said he’ll help me out on that soon.
themeaghercovenant.blogspot.com
hope to see you there!
I’ve just started reading through the Epistles once again, and every time I come to the beginning of a new book and read Paul’s greeting who whatever church is writing to, all I can think about is the small church in Maycoba. It’s the town where I grew up – a town of about 1,000 people living in the middle of the Sierra Madre Mountains of Mexico (middle of nowhere to be exact), who just got electricity a few years ago and are still in the fight for a working water system.
While its a very humble town, the church that exists there means the world to me. Take all the positive and encouraging words Paul poured out on all the churches throughout the New Testament and that would be exactly how I feel about the church in Maycoba. There aren’t many in the congregation – last I new it was around 30-50 – and they live hard and difficult lives, but they keep living on in the strength that God gives to them.
Over a year ago I went and stayed with a family of the church for a few weeks. It was just after the new year and they had had their share of struggles. To begin with there are 7 kids and about as many grandkids, and odd jobs are the only source of income since the only “real” jobs available in town are in the drug business. So surviving and putting food on the table alone is a struggle. But along with the constant battle of a substantial income, the year had many other surprises. The year had started with Evelia’s daughter getting into a car accident and almost losing her vision. As spring came Evelia’s mother began losing her fight with cancer and Evelia cared for her until she passed away in early summer. While still in grieving the loss of her mother, her son-in-law was the prey of suspicious hit men. Over 200 rounds were fired and miraculously he only suffered 5 hits, but he did suffer, and not only did Evelia’s family worry for his life but also for the lives of her whole family because they had helped him survive. Next came Evelia’s husbands illness. He came down with pneumonia during the fall and the doctors gave him zero chance of surviving. They sent him home numerous times saying there was nothing more that they could do and he should die at home.
And then came the new year, and I found myself sitting in Evelia’s small but welcoming kitchen as she sighed and hoped that this new year would bring new hope. But her faith never wavered, and she continued visiting and encouraging all the other believers in town. At one point, after her story telling, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and asked if, from a counseling perspective, she was ok or totally off her rocker. I remember wishing I could just pull my heart out and hook it up to speakers for her to hear what it thought. Ok? This woman had just watched her entire life almost get stripped away and yet she stands strong in her faith, welcoming new comers, reaching out to encourage other believers, and always, always praising her God.
I miss them. I miss that small little church. And I get what Paul means when he says his heart longs to visit and hopes it is not long before he does.
Another post so soon – I’m really getting ahead of myself…… or ….. maybe I just finally have more thoughts on my mind.
I’ve applied for several jobs over the last few weeks. I could apply to more, but to be honest, I dread the thought of the professional world – I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be a professional. Yesterday kind of sealed the deal on that one. I went to a fashion show (I was very kindly invited to it), and while the experience was great, and I loved the show, I came away realizing I just don’t want to live that life.
I hate the thought of climbing the ladder, building a resume, sounding impressive….. and the list goes on……. I just don’t want to live in that world. I like real life. I like being a person who connects to people because they are another human being. The work world just seems so made up – every one looks nice, everyone speaks well, everyone acts professional, and their worlds revolve around things that are generally a human invention.
And as I was driven home I started to think about where I lived. It isn’t the best of areas or apartment complexes (which is mainly due to our ignorance of the area and lack of knowledge in picking a first apartment.) and I’m pretty sure the lady who drove me home was a little nervous to be where we were. I think about that, and how ideally we would have wanted a better and more reputable area to live in. And yet, all the positions I applied for were child care positions in emergency shelters and homes for the neglected and abused. And I wondered why it was that I would wish to live in a nicer and safer place when I want to work and minister to those who don’t. How ironic – my heart is all for loving the abandoned and abused and yet I’m not for living where they live. Lesson learned.
I guess in the end this made up world of ours gets into all of our heads. If only we could see through it all – if only we could take all the man made things out and see the eternal……..if only
Well I’m up again – this time not so late, but since my husband had an exhausting day at work I feel as though I’ve been up and awake forever. I actually meant to post this yesterday, so I guess this late night awakeness is working in my favor.
And believe it or not, I’m actually posting about the church we’ve been attending and how much I’ve been blessed by it. (The ‘believe it or not’ part is because I’ve seemed more critical about the church lately.) But this church is like none I’ve ever attended. I feel as though it should be called St. Peters because it reminds me so much of how Jesus took a nobody like Peter and used him to do great things for His name. Instead, it’s called Metanoya (I have no idea as to the origin of the name), and its in down town San Antonio. Only it’s not the down town of San Antonio that’s famous, it’s the down town San Antonio that San Antonio natives have never been to nor would ever dream of going.
Every Sunday there are parking attendants in the parking lots and in all the side streets (the parking lots always overflow) watching our cars so that they don’t disappear while we’re in church. There’s a policeman that stands outside the building every Sunday (I have yet to know if the city sends him or if the church hires him), and ushers that not only seat you but also work as body guards who always seem to be watching the door and scanning the crowd. And the service is so packed that there’s never a untaken seat – none of this sitting in the back or leaving a few spaces between you and the next person – there’s not room for that.
As to the service – the hour of worship usually ends with the band being outsung by the congregation – sometimes I can’t even hear the band over the singing – I love that. And the preaching – which also lasts about an hour – usually covers an entire chapter of scripture – every verse read out loud. And the teaching is great. I always feel fed, encouraged and cared for – cared for because the pastor has a passion to equip his congregation. He cares that they’re equipped, that they know the scriptures, and that they know the Christian life and know their God. The leadership of the church cares for nothing but that the people who attend become the living, breathing Body of Christ. They desire them to worship God, to know God, to know His word, to do His work, to become like Him, and to glorify Him with their lives. Their passion for their congregation just flows out of them and you can’t help but see it. I love it.
And the congregation….aside from being primarily Hispanic which makes me feel at home, half of them are from the rehab center the church runs – that’s the half that always sings the loudest. But the rest are all just real people as well, real people living real life and wanting the realness of God to be a reality. There’s absolutely nothing perfect about anyone – that’s a given, and no one would expect more.
And this church isn’t perfect – I guess that just doesn’t exist. But I always come away uplifted, fed, and like a pressure’s been taken off. And the encouragement comes from the church itself because it’s truly The Church – the Body of Christ. Their passion is Christ because they desperately need Christ in their lives. He’s a need, a source of survival, the person whom they depend upon. Christ is their everything. I love it. I love being a witness to a church who is in need of a Saviour….
I guess it’s another sleepless night for me. For the past couple of weeks I haven’t been able to sleep well and I find myself wide awake until 3 -4 in the morning. I take no naps during the day and I’ve even taken myself off caffeine, and I still can’t find an explanation. So I decided to get on here and let my mind wander. 
I have to say I’ve been rather content lately. There’s something about just knowing that God is in control and being able to rest in that that changes all of life. I’m in the middle of job searching, both vehicles are on the down and out, apparently the government is shutting down (and therefore possibly affecting paychecks) – and it feels so good to not stress about any of it.
I’ve enjoyed waking up and knowing that God once again has brought the sun to shine on the day; eating breakfast and thanking Him for the food He has provided for us. It’s just been good to be at peace and rest. I think months of sitting at home has helped me enjoy the simple things again. Although I will admit, it’s way easier for me to trust God and not worry about the things I can’t control than it is for me to trust Him when I have to make a decision. I’ll let life happen without a worry many times, but give me three jobs to choose from and I’ll probably stress about it all week. But nonetheless, my soul seems more at peace than it has at other times.
I will say though that lately my heart has started burning with the urge to jump back into people’s lives. I find myself missing the challenge of reaching a lost heart, I miss that fight and struggle to break down walls, I miss seeing God work in the lives of young people. It’s been on my heart and mind a lot lately – but its good that it’s coming from a more rested version of me.
I guess for now I’ll stick to reading St. Augustine, Paul, and Louie Giglio, doing dishes, laundry, and writing letters. But when the time comes – I’m more than ready to plug into a place thriving with lost and guarded souls….
I’ve caught myself every now and then repeatedly listening to Addison Road’s song “What Do I Know of Holy”. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes and I can’t ever listen to it just once. The song touches my heart so deeply because it expresses the greatness of God in terms of what we do not know of Him. For almost the past year any time Christian songs come on the radio or are sung in church and I find myself unable to sing. I listen to the words and I almost cringe wondering if I could be so bold as to sing such strong words claiming to know God, claiming to lay down my life for Him, claiming that He is my all. Do the words and songs just make me feel good? Because their statements are outlandish – they’re hard core – and that’s not what I would say about my life. Really, I’m selfish. I live how I want – spend money on my home while people in Japan parish. I throw out food because I think it may be bad and children all around the world are starving. I drive by homeless people all the time without stopping to help….and the list goes on………
And in all seriousness and reality, I’m not pitying myself or being dramatic. But I think it’s a mere fact that the words that are in Christian songs don’t even come close to being lived out in real life. They make us feel good and they make us feel passionate. And while my heart fully wants and desires to follow God, I can’t help but know that I am so far from His Holiness. I’m so far from even understanding what a Great and Might God I truly do serve.
I know, I’m cynical and a skeptic. I fully realize that and often consider where it leads me, but I also deep down feel like there is so much more. There’s so much more to God, so much more to His kingdom that He wishes we realized, so much more to His Holy Spirit in us, so much more than this life we’re living. And I long for it. I long to understand it, and I’m tired of pretending that it already exists in our or my Christian life.
I’ve been reading through the gospels these last couple of weeks and almost at every story I find myself longing to be one of those standing by Jesus, hearing His words, and seeing what God on earth really looked like. I soak up how He lived His life honoring God and my mind races with a million questions. There’s so much I don’t understand – so much I just don’t get. And yet, I love reading the stories of Jesus. He knew the ways of God; He knew God’s heart for this world. He offered and promised so much for this life, and yet it doesn’t ever seem to show up anymore. And not for a second do I think He has failed to fulfill His promises, instead I think we fail to understand and we fail to “grasp hold of that which Christ has laid hold of (us)”.
And that is why I listen to Addison Road’s song over and over. It’s my confession to God. My confession of being so finitely minded that I cannot and have not comprehended His infinite Being. I just want to know more. I want my hear to understand more. I want my life to reflect more….
So the last three days I have been quite the blog junkie. There aren’t that many blogs I check on a normal basis, but the other day a friend had a link to another blog - so I checked it out. And I fell in LOVE with the blog and then began to click on all the blogs that blogger followed, and thus got myself caught in a trap.
But tonight I found a very inspiring blog lovecominghome.wordpress.com The blogger is a designer who focuses not only on loving the home you’ve made, but also the relationships that are in the home. All the time I’ve wasted on blog surfing I now feel is justified just in finding this one blog.
And in honor of her blog I’m setting a table and two chairs out on our porch. My husband is coming home from a sleep study tomorrow morning and just maybe we’ll get the chance to have breakfast out on the porch together. I’m making a choice, seizing a moment and creating a home my husband loves coming home to…. Great way to end the day.
Well, here I find myself once again in our cozy little apartment. Although this past week has been anything but cozy due to the cold. I find myself bundled up in sweatpants and sweatshirts, wrapped in blankets and drinking 3-5 hot drinks a day. I think our San Antonio apartment just wasn’t made for the cold.
After a week of staying warm, inventing dinners and feeling quite sick, I feel as though I’m on the upside of things and I’ve been considering what would be a good use of my time. I came to the conclusion that my mind and body are in much need of exercise and that my heart, while it has needed a rest, could now use some uplifting thoughts and growth. So instead of slowly passing the time meandering from thing to thing as I do every morning, today I ate my breakfast accompanied by the Bible, My Utmost for His Highest and Hannah Whitall Smith. Great company for breakfast, I must admit. And I had a journal along for the ride to jot down any thoughts (quotes really) that struck me. A few weeks ago I was asked to begin gathering my thoughts over the next 6 months for a speaking engagement , and the journal is where all those thoughts will be going.
And after breakfast, I spent quite a bit of time on brain puzzles, which proved to me that my brain was definitely out of shape. haha. I’m hoping to write an article on some research I did a year ago, and that is my motivation to get my mind working like it used to.
As for the rest of the day, I have some good cleaning to do and dinner to make like always, and I’ll be pulling out Insanity at some point to get my butt back in to shape…. but it feels good to be striving for something once again.
And once last lingering thought…….last night on a drive with my husband we passed a very intriguing culinary school – something I’ll be looking into for the summer….
After two weeks of caring for my grandmother I feel as though it is probably time to write something. Guess I’ve just felt that I haven’t had much to say. I’ve read many books, watched a thousand too many Texas Ranger and home makeover shows, and greatly appreciated the time I’ve had with my grandparents. It has felt so good to take care of someone, especially when I know how much sweat, love, and work this beautiful woman has poured out for others year after year. I listen to my grandfather’s prayers at every meal, and I love how his heart overflows with thankfulness to his God and Savior. I can only wonder what it feels like to live a life time, lose abilities you once had, see your kids and grandkids full grown, and stand faithful and thankful to God for all that He has given. It must be incredible. I wish our culture valued the elderly; most have been so faithful.
And as I head back to San Antonio this week that is what I will be taking with me. Faithfulness. Not that I feel as though I’ve been unfaithful, I just haven’t thought of faithfulness as a way of life or purpose. Life seems to have been so unsteady, and we’ve rolled with the punches as they’ve come, but it’s still easy to wish there was a normalcy or stability to rely upon. There just hasn’t been anything to get used to, or any rhythm to follow. Instead it’s been learning how to stumble to a different beat of a different song every other week. And it’s been tiring.
So, as I return, I’m taking my sights of life and its craziness, and instead of wishing life were faithful I’m going to choose to be faithful. I’ll show up in every circumstance that comes. I’ll be fully present – faithful to my God and to those around me. I keep expecting that steady or normal life to come, when really, I need to be that steadiness and normalcy. I need that faithfulness to be found within me and not in my circumstances. Why did I ever expect life to be faithful to my expectations anyways? Some high and lofty thought I got stuck in my heart I guess. But it’s really quite the opposite – I must be faithful in whatever comes my way.
And while it might seem difficult and like I’m losing all control, it really is very freeing. I’m no longer dependent upon life to meet my expectations. I’m not dependent on life to be steady, stable, or normal. Instead, my only thought is to be faithful wherever i am found and to whatever comes into my path.
Since we would soon be leaving, I decided that we might as well not put anymore money into our small apartment until we get back. Why spend money on household items when no one is here to use or enjoy them? My husband, on other hand, disagreed and said he wants our apartment to feel like a home when we leave so that it will feel like a home when we get back. I very much saw his point, and we went out and bought another bookshelf and table cloth, decorated our walls with hangings, and I pulled out boxes of odds and ends and selected items that would complete the “home” effect. That was last weeks project.
This week, in my more “home” like atmosphere, I find myself constantly staring at the books that line our new bookshelves. What do they all have to say? Would I be better off to read them all or worse off for having such conflicting knowledge in my head? Is the reading of many books really wearying to the body as Ecclesiastes says? And what does that mean? Should I read “The Irresistible Revolution” by Shane Claiborne or simply “The Revolution” by Heather Zydek? Do the ancient saints really have more wisdom and truth, or is it the new “relevant” Christian authors that I should be reading, or is it both?
I don’t really know. I struggle with the idea that everything you read influences you in some way. And I also battle with the knowledge that just because something is published doesn’t make it true or valuable. So how do you know what is worth reading, and what is just a person’s desire to feel important in being among the many who have written a book? It all seems so vain, and yet I continue to greatly value reading always finding more and more books I want to own and eventually read.
And I have no conclusion. I guess this is all random thought, that I decided to write about to waste your time. Was it worth reading? Probably not. But for some reason you did, just like I’ll continue reading all the books on my bookshelves…..
I felt a little lost this morning as I went about our apartment cooking, cleaning, folding laundry, and ironing. With the washer and dryer being the latest addition to our little place, we were finally feeling a little more settled. Next on the agenda was looking for a drive-to-work vehicle for Brian and job or grad school shopping for me. But as of last night, such things were not meant to be. I could only smile and shake my head when I heard the news. Five months of straight training. And I had thought that 18 days in the hotel room and sitting at the apartment alone all day had been the challenge. I can only smile to myself because God most definitely has something ahead for us. What challenges, what growth, and what will we learn? It’s all still to be discovered. A roller coaster of a ride I imagine, but in the end I have no doubt we will say that God has been good, that He has been faithful, and has met our every need.
As for our small little home….. I guess it will have to wait. Where I will be in the mean time is yet to be determined. Many prayers are going up about that one. As I have been listening to music all day another smile came when I heard the words sung, “And I don’t want to talk about You like You’re not in the room….” I smiled because, while we say God has a hand in this, we truly know it. It’s not some distant saying to make everyone feel better. It is truth. God is here, He is here in our little home, and He is there with you. He is close and always will be, and He directs our every path. So we wait in anticipation to see where He will lead. And we can wait, our home can wait. After all are we not citizens of a different Place for which we eagerly watch?
This morning I woke up way too early, and for some reason felt like I really needed to get out of bed and start my day. Why? I have no idea, but the urgency was too great to ignore, so I got out of bed. And as I went about getting ready the phrase “I just want something beautiful to touch me” kept playing over and over in my head. While they are lyrics from a song, the context in which they were playing in my head was totally different. All I could think about was the fight our neighbors had once again this morning. Their fights are daily, and I only ever catch a glimpse of them. But lately I’ve noticed a desperation in her voice. She isn’t angry, she’s fearful and despairing. And this morning was even more so.
So as I went about this morning, I thought of her, and how deep down she must be crying for something beautiful to come touch her life. And I wondered not only about her, but about all the other lives that live around us. How many of them need a touch of beauty, grace, and love in their lives? I couldn’t answer that because I have yet to meet them.
And that, I have realized, is why I got up so early this morning. I’m going to go meet the neighbors today. Christmas cookies in hand and a hope that for some reason I will be invited in. And who knows, maybe I will and maybe I won’t. Either way, I’ll be back at their door another day, and I’ll keep trying until I find that something beautiful to offer them. May I have God by my side and His Spirit guiding my heart.
I got on facebook real quick to check - whatever I, for some reason, thought needed to be checked before heading to bed – and while I was on one of the girls from my camp in Canada called me up to chat. She’s one of the girls that absolutely captured my heart, and to this day I’d do anything for her. She’s out of the program and doing well, and as we were talking, I couldn’t help but wonder what I had written on my blog that summer. So I pulled it up and started reading and I never really stopped. I read well past the end of our chat session. I was so engulfed in how alive I was, and how moved my heart had been. And as much as I hated that summer and thought I was going to die, tonight I wish I was back there. I wish I was the person that I was then.
But come to think of it, that’s not why I got on to blog tonight. One of the last postings I read was about how at camp I woke up every morning with “His mercies are new every morning” ringing in my head. And just in reading that one phrase I felt my heart give out a huge sigh. His mercies are new every morning. That rings true for today, for yesterday, and for tomorrow.
I think deep down I’ve been disappointed in myself – that I’m not, or don’t feel like, who I was then. There has been so much change, so much adjustment, and I don’t think that I have really digressed, the challenges have just become greater and more prevalent to where my weaknesses are. But still….. all in all…… I’ve been discouraged and frustrated at who I have been. So to hear “His mercies are new every morning”, and to hear it coming from myself two years ago, was a relief. It was a reminder I desperately needed. Because not only does our God see us through as we sleep each night, He starts each one of our days with a fresh gracing of mercy fully knowing where we will be that day and how we will react. What a truth to be able to stand on.
Do I still wish I were different, maybe a bit more mature? Yeah, hands down. But that’s just really my pride speaking, wishing I were better than I really am. I’m in a good place. A good place because I don’t have the choice but to take every ounce of mercy offered because, yes, God knows I need it.
So tonight I thank Him for His mercy. And I pray that tomorrow my heart will be a little more closer and a little more in tune with His – not because I will be better behaved or more holy, but because maybe then I’ll understand a little more of the depths of HIs grace – and that’s truly the only place I need to be living from.
I’ve been sitting in our hotel room all day as Brian is running around the base processing all his paperwork. My mind hasn’t only started whirling because of the hours I’ve spent in a small room, but also because this will most likely be my life for the next 18 days. I obviously have to come up with a hobby.
My thoughts have wandered greatly today, anywhere from pondering the glimpses of the new life that surround me to all the unknowns that still remain. I wonder if the 85 year old man named Tony will really be our apartment neighbor and if so, will we become good friends? I wonder what church we will go to, I hear there are over 1,300 around. I wonder if I’ll be able to get involved with at risk youth, with 3,000 of them homeless you think they could use willing hand. I wonder all these things and more but what pervades over all of them is a thought that has haunted me since I graduated.
Our university chaplain only spoke once my senior year – a shame since he’s my favorite speaker. But his one sermon was more effective than a hundred put together. He talked about taking risks and challenges, about how Jesus’ 12 disciples took the entire world, about how the world is waiting for a generation to stand up and reach it for Christ. His speaking was inspiring and made you want to jump up and run out the door to go live life for Christ. But like all inspiring sermons, I am not haunted by the feel good words, and what is continually pressing in my mind is not feel good sentiments from a motivational speaker. Instead what haunts my mind and heart are his words right before he walked of stage – ” You are the generation that could take the world in Jesus’ name, but you probably won’t…….you probably won’t.”
So I sit here and see the potential of this new life Brain and I have head of us, and all I can think about is why I probably won’t make a difference. And you might think that is too depressing or something that shouldn’t be dwelt upon, but I think it’s more of a reality. Because in reality, we all want to stay protected, we all want to be comfortable, we all deep down want to look out for ourselves. After all, I just moved to a city that has over 1,300 churches and yet 3,000 homeless kids under 17. That’s less than 3 homeless kids per church. Yeah, maybe I’m being harsh, but I apply it only to myself. I don’t want to spend my life thinking I’m a good Christian doing good deeds only in the end to find out that I really only gave out of the excess of my own comfort.
So all that to say, here I sit in my hotel room with 18 days left to impress upon my heart and lock into my mind how I will take my world in Jesus’ name and not sit incredibly ineffective and out of commission in the realms of my own comfort. I almost wonder if 18 days is enough…
I was listening to a song today where the artist was singing about him and his wife and how they married young despite the advice that other’s gave them. The lyrics talk of how they went “dancing through mine fields, and sailing in the storms.” They took the fun and found themselves surrounded by danger; they risked losing everything yet got to experience the adventure.
I’m not sure if their negligence was a choice or if was just simply ignorance, but either way, I love how they found themselves living the fullest despite what hardships might come. I love that they took the leap and embraced all that was in front of them. It’s too easy to want a perfect life, and I don’t even mean in marriage, I mean life itself. It’s too easy to not reach out because you might get rejected, it’s too easy to not give cuz you might find yourself in want, it’s easy to not forgive because you’d be risking your safety once again, it’s easy to be busy because you don’t have time to step outside your comfort zone.
We don’t take the risks because we’re afraid of what we will lose. So instead we sit by and lose our live’s one day at a time as they’re filled with the same routine things as the day before. And we never dance, and we never sail, and we never take the adventure that lies ahead of us because we just sit and count the cost and say we can’t.
At the end of chorus, after all the hardship, the artists ends by simply saying, “but that’s what the promise was for.” Their life together was founded on a promise, and that is what helped them navigate every obstacle that seemed impossible. And don’t we too have a Promise that we found our lives upon? Shouldn’t we then be able to dance in mine fields, sail through storms, and take every single challenge that is coupled with a risk?
A lapse in time and I find myself married, done with the honeymoon, moved across the country, and currently living in Mexico in a quaint little house with just a few suitecases of belongings to call my own.
While I hope to pick up blogging again, I can’t say how much of my blogging will reflect married life as my poor husband very much enjoys his privacy and doesn’t take to having his existence beemed over the internet. But I will say that I do enjoy sharing life with him very much.
As for life… I am finally finding that rest I’ve so craved for the last year and a half. I take joy in cooking with chili’s and avacados, making coffee with my italian perculator, laughing at all the funny things my husband has to say, and visiting with friends and family.
With all the craziness of the wedding and moving my faithfulness in reading my Bible and connecting with my Savior was dissapointingly lacking, and I’m looking forward to/enjoying spending time with our great God and reconnecting my soul and spirit. I also have a stack of books that I am most excited about, and might even begin to write papers on simply because I miss scholarly activity.
With that I will say goodnight, hoping to have effectively updated my life. It won’t be long until I write again.
Once again my blog has been forgotten and left behind in a whirlwind of business. Unfortunately I feel as though my body, soul, and spirit have been just as neglected this summer. I haven’t taken the time to rest, to sit and ask my heart how it is doing, to let my spirit dwell with our Creator, or to simply sit and enjoy the breeze as it passes. Not a good state to be in when I’m 5 weeks away from my wedding. It’s funny, but the more I prepare for the wedding and attempt to make myself into that beautiful bride the more the nagging thought comes that I really need to prepare my heart and soul and the woman that I am inside. It’s easy to feel beautiful on the outside, but it takes time to realize you’re beautiful on the inside. And I’ve left myself very unkept this summer. It’s not that I feel evil or ugly – just neglected and needing to be cared for…… (sigh)…… why do I get so distracted?
Brian got back from his backpacking trip last night and since we hadn’t really seen each other since Thursday we decided to make dinner together and hang out. I made the eggs and he made the smoothies and we sat and talked about our future. And even though it is very much unknown, it was still fun and just nice to be with someone that I’m completely comfortable around. He makes me laugh and I make him blush and I like to talk and he likes to cuddle, but we make it work and we enjoy being with each other. It’s good times – so good that I wish I had a snapshot of it to keep in my memory forever.
Yesterday I took the day off and slept in and didn’t go to church. And really by sleeping in I mean that I slept during the time it takes me to get ready for church – I was definitely awake before church started. Anyways, sleeping in wasn’t my moment of joy. I decided (and this was part of my sleeping in decision – I promise) to just spent time with God in my room. So I did that and it was absolutely wonderful. I read all of Psalm 19 and after doing so decided it’s going to be my summer goal to memorize all of it. It’s such a good chapter. And then I finished the last half of Daniel that I had been reading and I just loved all it had to say. I loved how Daniel is called the one that was beloved. And I love how faithful he was. And I love how God told him his visions were for a later time and that when the prophecies begin to happen people will turn to the scripture and begin to understand. And that the faithful who endure those years of oppression will be blessed. I just loved it all. It was a great picture of man’s faithfulness and yet minuteness in the kingdom of heaven as well as God’s faithfulness and love for humanity. Sometimes I just can’t wait till we see the big picture.
Gina and I started out on a run this afternoon and quickly decided it needed to turn in to a walk. So we walked and talked a ways and happened to pass by a path with a No Trespassing sign hanging near by. Gina commented that she had always wanted to go down that path, but was stopped by the sign. So we decided to go see what was there. Our nice little walk turned into an hour long adventure through the woods, paths, fields, and more. We found so many great things, some of which I had known about 4 years ago when I was a freshman. But it was a lot of fun, and we both came out full of scratch with our clothes all knotted up with burrs. And I’ve decided that kids must get all their joy from all the wonderful adventures they fill their lives with.
Yesterday as I was driving from my drama class to my internship and like always had decided to turn the music off because like always, driving is such a good time to take a minute to soul search. I started thinking about my drama class from high school and how much I had loved it. And then my train of thought went to who I was and who I came to college as and who I would be leaving college as. And I just started to thank God for all He had done in my life. It’s so crazy what He can do in a person’s heart in 6 years, and it was just a blessing to spend those 15 minutes in the car dwelling on how He has changed me.
My pursuit of joy today was very simple but still grand. I got up this morning and due to a canceled class, decided to go running. Running used to be an every day practice in my life. I loved it and it helped me keep the rest of my life in balance. It had always been my time of solitude and discipline. Anyways, the last two years I’ve sadly strayed from this lovely habit and I really haven’t run hardly at all.
So this morning to get out and push myself felt great. I realized how much I missed it and how much it really makes the day just feel right. I could run for hours if my body would let me (unfortunately my body is far from allowing that to happen). But I plan on making runs more of a daily thing, especially since something so simple can make me so happy.
Today I wrote a letter of apology to one of the girls who lived in my cabin last summer. I apologized for not protecting her, for not standing up for her when she was treated less than human, and for doing her wrong because I failed to do anything at all. And then I asked for forgiveness. That was my moment of joy today. It didn’t come close to the debt I felt I owed her, but I owed her at least an apology.
And as I thought about it, it made me think of how blind we can be sometimes. I thought I was serving God, and serving those girls. My heart was all in and in my eyes, it was in the right place, and I came back with great stories or redemption to share with people. But I failed miserably to protect the lives of every student at that camp. I failed to be their voice. I failed to risk my reputation and job to keep their hearts alive. And the whole time I thought Iwas giving my all, sacrificing myself, and being a great example of Christ. And yes, I was stretched and I grew. But I learned more about Christ and God’s love than they every did, and it was all at their expense. If I had really wanted to serve them, I would have sacrificed my whole self on their account, but I wasn’t willing to go that far.
So I apologized and asked forgiveness, and I hope next time I am serving somewhere I will be able to look at things with a better perspective. I hope I’ll take the risk and dive head in, and I hope I’ll have the ability to first see that that needs to be done in the first place. But for now, all I can do is ask for forgiveness, and that brings me joy.
Yesterday I was packing up all my stuff, trying to get it organized and moved out so I won’t have to do it the week of graduation. Needless to say my room was an absolute disaster as it always is with packing and unpacking. I had brought in all my stuff (almost all my belongings were in one room) and I unpacked all the boxes and then reorganized them, threw a ton of stuff out, and packed it all up again along with stuff that was already in my room. As I was going through stuff, I came across a bunch of papers and pictures from my freshman year. I started thinking about who I am now and where I’m going vs. who I was then. It was so crazy to think about. I don’t think I ever imagined I would have grown and changed so much in four years. I never would have thought Iwould be the person I am today. And it is so cool to see what God has done. It reminds me of the post I just put up the other day about trusting the person God has made you to be. He sure has done a lot of work in my life. I think the whole thought in general just makes me excited for what He will do in the next four years.
Yesterday I went out with a friend whose conversation and presence had been much missed and long over due. We caught up on life (In reality it was only one or two weeks worth), but it was just so good to be able to rest in her presence and just feel completely comfortable. We talked about the challenges we were facing, the fears we had for the future, and what God had been doing amidst it all. It was funny to be in two completely opposite situations and yet find that God was teaching us the exact same thing.
It’s so easy to hide things and make yourself feel like you need to present yourself well and be a little more normal than you really are. But I find such freedom in telling close friends what’s really been on my heart, what I really struggle with in life, how God really challenges me, and how sometimes I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to make it through. There’s a whole lot of freedom in that. And I think in the end, we both walk away feeling more assured about being human – because we can walk away knowing the other person is ok with us not being God.
So thanks Kim. Thanks for being that presence and joy in my life.
Yesterday I went and had my weekly chatt with my chaplain. He’s a dear man who I am going to miss very much. I have so appreciated his wisdom and advice over the last four years.
Anyways, I really appreciated what he had to say yesterday. We were talking about decisions and when God’s direction doesn’t seem to be around. And he said, “Kelly, sometimes God remains silent and leave the decision up to you to make. It’s almost as if to say, ‘Trust all that I’ve done in your life and who you’ve become through Me, and trust My Spirit within you. You’re heart and mind have followed Me and grown in Me and My Spirit within is enough’.”
I love the insight into that thought. I think sometimes I do wait and just want God to intervene instead of trusting who He has made me to be and the Spirit He has placed inside of me. It’s very empowering. I think I just get caught up in knowing how blind or foolish I can be as a human, when really, God has given us every spiritual gift in the heavenly realms so that we may live life well.
That was my joyful thought for the day.
So for today I have two great moments, and since I couldn’t decide between them I’m going to share both. The first one came from God and the second came from God as well but through way of my fiance. So here they are:
This morning I was rushing from class to my internship trying to hold back tears because the week had been quite exhausting for me and I really wasn’t ready for another crazy day. I prayed as I was driving to Jackson, just asking God to be there and give me strength to keep going. Well, low and behold I arrive only to find out my supervisor is gone for the afternoon which translates into me reading and answering the phone when it rings. I decided I just needed to read something a little bit more positive (I normally read books on sexual assault and domestic violence) so I pulled out the book on marriage that I had been reading and (God’s blessing) had slipped into my purse (for some strange reason) earlier that morning. It was great. I sat relaxed for a few hours reading an inspiring book that never failed to point me to Christ. I couldn’ t have been more thankful, and I left my internship thinking that that was a great blessing for the day.
Well, unbeknownst to me, God had another heart warmer in store for me. Brian and I hadn’t seen eachother all day so we decided to go on a walk around 9:30 tonight. As we walked he just started talking about what has been on his heart and what he thinks about our relationship and what he would like it to be. It was so great to hear all the things he had to say, and know that he had thought them through on multiple different levels. And it was just a blessing to hear the Christ in him pour out and want to be the fiance, husband and man that God has made him to be. I think what I love about that blessing is knowing that it’s one that will last a lifetime.
God is good, even when I’m tired and having a crappy week. And His faithfulness can always be found, sometimes it just takes a little waiting until the dust clears to see it.
“I will declare your lovingkindness in the morning, and your faithfulness by night.” a psalm
I’m so sorry I haven’t been faithful in posting. The good thing is that I’ve been thinking about it every day, I just haven’t been on-line for any extended period in the last week. But here are the past day’s moments of joy:
#5. I caught up with an old and dear friend this day, and it was so heart warming to hear all that God has done for her. We only see each other once a year and it’s so great to see how God has been so faithful to both of us.
#6. My boss left me with a quote that has stuck with me even now: You just have to let what is be, and trust that God will work in it.
#7. Brian was gone all day, but I woke up to an emailing from him that pointed me to God and asked me to enjoy the day because of Him. And when he came home that night he had brought me three gifts. I love when he’s far away and I know he’s thinking of me.
#8. I went on a 2 hour nature walk with a friend. It was so great to enjoy the beautiful weather and the company of a friend when there was no agenda.
#9. Brian and I made dinner for friends of ours who are also engaged. We trade off and on making meals for each other. I love hosting people with Brian and also having friends who are sharing the same stage of life as us.
#10. I got to be with people all day, which was great, but I think I enjoyed the last visitor of the day. I had a friend come over around 10:30 at night, and we sat talked about life and all the changes that are coming. It was good to just talk about life as it is.
#11. I just needed a verse this day and God brought 1 Cor. 1 to me. It talks about how God has chosen the weak and those who are nothing to do His good work. It just lets burdens roll off.
#12. I had to attend a presentation for my internship and I wasn’t all that excited about it. I was assisting in welcoming people and had a portion of reading to do during the presentaion. The blessing part was that Brian went with me, and even though we couldn’t sit together, it was just a huge comfort to know he was there.
So there are my long due posts. Sorry they are so short. I will try to keep better updated on them. I can’t wait to see what today’s joyful moment will bring.
Today was not so much a joyful moment, but it was a thought provoking on God’s intentionality so I thought I would share it.
Last night I had decided to text a friend and ask if we could get together for breakfast so we could catch up. So the next morning we got together and talked and just caught up on life. About two hours after breakfast I was walking to class a little early because I had to drop off something at my fiance’s house, and because of that I was taking a different route across campus.
I heard my name being called and as I turned to see who it was, I saw my friend from breakfast running towards me. She told me she had just found out one of her family memebers was in critical condition and she was just leaving to go to the hospital. I gave her a hug and whatever little (probably noncomforting) words you can offer someone in that situation.
And as I walked away, I thought about how God must have orchestrated the whole morning starting with a small text the night before. He had us have breakfast together and then planned a reason for me to take a different path so we would run into eachother again. The timing couldn’t have been more well placed. What a caring God we have.
I prayed for my friend and her family all day,and will continue to do so, and in no way would I want to make a story out of her pain. I just was touched by seeing God’s hand in such an intentional way.
I started typing a post, but realized no good would come out of it. My mind went to a better answer, one of my favorite verses, “Be still and know that I am God…” For some reason I feel as though I can’t do that right now. More like I don’t know how. I’m so ill at ease and don’t know why. Is it myself or is it just life. I wish I knew.
I’ve been busy since the middle of July and I have yet to stop and rest. This week I’ve been sick pretty much every day, and I finally realized I just needed to stop. So today I wrote all my professors and told them I wouldn’t be making it to class. I did go to chapel because one of my favorite speakers was speaking. But after chapel I went back to my room and slept. What struck me more than the physical rest was the spiritual rest I felt. As I laid my head down thoughts of being covered in the love and mercy of Jesus Christ inhabited my head. I fell asleep thinking of Jesus Christ standing before God in my defense, and my soul was at rest because the knowledge of being found right with the Almighty God was soothing. Later I got up and read my Bible. I don’t think anything brings more passion to my soul than the Word of God. I feel so alive every time I read those precious words, and I feel as though I could never stop reading. Growing up I always hated the Gospels because I thought I knew them all. But now as I live life sometimes I just sit down yearning for a story about Jesus and how he lived. I find such rest as I read about Jesus’ life and the words He spoke. I love it. If anything, I think today I just needed God, and taking the rest to get that was far worth anything.
“…we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and He Himself is the propitiation for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for those of the whole world.” 1 John 2:1-2
I think it’s interesting how we make choices and stress about choices and regret choices. More than anything I’m coming to realize that God is so much bigger than the choices we make. He’s too big and powerful to let a choice determine out life. Yes, we do live with the consequences of our choices, but that doesn’t mean that God doesn’t work with anything. If God could make the universe out of nothing, who am I to think He can’t make something beautiful out of all the messes I make? And in that I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that He’s got me. And His love is too big to let me fall away because of myself. So I’ll wait and watch Him work, and rest knowing that I have a loving God who wants the best for me. And one day I will be found in His presence, sobbing because I’ll know how much I do not deserve to be there, and He’ll say, “Welcome home, this is what love and grace is all about. And this is what I’m all about.” What a wonderful God and Savior I have! It’s overwhelming to know that I have not eve begun to understand that. And yet, He still cares, He still loves, He still desires the best, and He still welcomes me in.
“Our Father which art in heaven, we your children are often troubled in mind, hearing within us at once the affirmations of faith and the accusations of conscience. We are sure that there is in us nothing that could attract the love of One as holy and as just as You are. Yet You have declared Your unchanging love for us in Jesus Christ. If nothing in us can win your love, nothing in the universe can prevent You from loving us. Your love is uncaused and undeserved. You are Yourself the reason for the love wherewith we are loved. Help us to believe the intensity, the eternity of the love that has found us. Then love will cast out fear; and our troubled hearts will be at peace, trusting not in what we are but in what You have declared Yourself to be. Amen.”
~ A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy
I read this prayer and it touched my heart. I love the opening line that says we are troubled in mind hearing both the affirmations of our faith and yet the condemnation of our conscience. I couldn’t identify with that more. I rejoice in who I am found to be in Christ, yet at the same time I recognize how unholy and unrighteous I truly am. Continually maintaining a balance in that is difficult at times. I also love how he says that because nothing about us is lovable, that means that nothing can keep us from God’s love. What a profound thought. I know it’s something we would all say we know but it’s far from something we understand, otherwise we wouldn’t try so hard at life. The ending of what Tozer says is perfect. We trust not in what we are but in who God says He is. I like how he didn’t say that we trust in who God says we are. We trust in God’s love because of who He is – ever unchanging. How beautiful. Our lives are secured in an unchanging God and we are able to rest completely in that. How beautiful is God and His grace towards us; though our understanding is limited it never changes how He relates to us.
I was reading St. John of the Cross the other day and what he had to say was very profound. I love reading writings of “ancient” followers of Christ because the clarity in which they saw life and God is so inspiring. I think that most people think that everything they have to say is old news and that’s why they are long forgotten . Every one is looking for the next new thing, right? So why read writings from 500 years ago? What a treasure we have lost. Anyways, back to what I was reading – St. John of the Cross was talking about how as followers of Christ we can get so hung up on following Christ and what we gain from serving Him that we miss God altogether. We fall in love with the feeling of being in His presence and the joy we get from serving Him and doing good that our heart is ever so slightly misguided into our experience and away from our God. Instead of being hung up on sins we are hung up on our own spirituality which still draws us away from God yet in a way that isn’t visible. All our surroundings are so spiritual and moving that we never realize we’ve lost focus of God Himself. It’s amazing all the ways in which we can be deceived. I wonder if that is why Paul said in Corinthians that he does not examine himself nor care if others examine him because God is his judge. Sometimes we just don’t even have the perspective to understand where we are really at.
“For a soul will never grow until it is able to let go of the tight grasp it has on God.”
St. John of the Cross
I’ve been thinking about this past semester and where I’ve seen God work the most. The answer I came up with was in Danny, a non-Christian freshman. I’m an adviser for freshman this year and Danny was placed in my group. He came to school 20 days late because he couldn’t get his visa to leave China. Within the first week of Danny being here, he said that even though he had never believed in a God, he could not help but believe that God had arranged it for him to come to American to learn about Him. Ever since he has not stopped seeking and learning about God. Danny still isn’t a Christian, but his plight in finding God has brought strangers close together, it has restored hope in many who had given up, it has brought tears of joys to those who long to hear of God moving, it has renewed some in their own journey to finding God, and it has some that God really can be seen today – here and now.
What I took away from all these thoughts is that Danny is still not a Christian, and I know handfuls of Christian students on fire for God longing to be used by Him – myself included. And I cannot help but think that our service isn’t what God really wants. At least in my world God chose to sidestep every “on fire” student I know and he picked Danny to put us all in awe of Him. We worry so much about where God is using us and if we’re doing things right, and because that is our focus we miss it altogether. Maybe we’re too busy trying to serve God and give Him everything that we’re unusable. We think we have so much to offer God that we end up getting in the way. God uses the unusable because there is absolutely know way it can mess things up. Danny never had an inkling about serving God and impacting people so nothing he was expecting or trying to do got in the way. And I’m not saying we should all stop trying to serve God by any means, but maybe we should just lay it all down and just seek God for a time.
“…and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the LORD,
until he comes and showers righteousness on you.”
Hosea 10:12
I love how every year Christmas means so much more to me than it did the year before. I think it’s because with every year I gain a little more understanding of this cursed world we live in and how desperately we all need hope. Maybe it’s because I’m a psychology major or maybe it’s because I’m just getting older, but every year I see more and more how much pain and suffering surrounds us and how many broken hearts and imprisoned spirits walk the same halls we do. The more I see it the more I long for an answer and it’s every year at Christmas that I’m overwhelmingly reminded of what that answer is. Christ came to be our hope in this diseased earth; He came to be a light, to open blind eyes, to set the captives free, and to remove the darkness that surrounds us (Is. 42:7). Every year as I read the Christmas story the power and beauty that the message brings fills my soul. I understand just a little more why a Heavenly host of angels came to announce that small child’s birth, why a magnificent star was placed in the sky for the whole world to see, why kings traveled days to find Mary and Joseph, why ungodly shepherds could not help but fall on their knees in worship, why Simeon and Anna praised God and could finally rest at peace, and why Mary treasured all these things in her heart. A Messiah has been born and a Savior has come and there is an answer to the sorrow that this world contains. Hope has been brought to us.
To me the joy of Christmas is understanding this. It’s understanding that the Christmas story is a story that tells us that God sees the pain that is here and He has sent His Son as a Redeemer. They called Him Jesus because he would save His people from the devastation of their sin. He is our hope. So regardless of the circumstances that surround me or others, I can rest assured knowing that a child has been born, a son has been given, and an answer has been found.
I’m home at last! It feels so good. This semester has been too busy and has worn me too thin. That’s already going to be a new year’s resolution for next semester (even though I don’t make new year’s resolutions). I’m just excited to be able to rest and not have anything on my mind. Even if I got a chance to sleep this semester my mind would always be racing and never let me rest. I would fall asleep full of thoughts and wake up by six with the same whirlwind thrashing in my head. Now I know why God made “keep the Sabbath” a commandment. I think what’s been most disappointing about how busy I was is that it really did affect the time I was able to devote to walking with God. I still prayed and read my Bible, but I was so exhausted and distracted that it was never enough. I think that is the first time in my life that that has ever happened and it grated against my soul all semester. I hated it. So this break will be good not only for physical rest, but for spiritual rest. Reading my Bible and praying always brings the most rest to my body and spirit and that has been so hard to miss out on. There’s just something about being able to pray or read those holy words that just allows the stress to ease out of my bones. With that, I think I’ll be signing off. I’m going to go get lost in the writings of the ancient saints… God Bless and I hope you find true rest yourself.
Every once in a while I think back to the the life I lived in Mexico. It’s something I never wanted to forget, yet I fear that the longer I am here the more I do. I’m starting to forget about simplicity and how true joy was found there. I forget that the perfect life does not consist of perfection but of an attitude that welcomes all things. I’m slowly being bought into the necessity of image whether it be physical, spiritual, relational, or whatever. And ever so slightly am I drawn into a purpose driven life. I feel as though I’m being sucked in and I don’t know how to pull myself out.
I long for simplicity because it embodies real life. I’ve gotten so busy that I’ve forgotten about living and sharing life with others. How could the things I do ever replace the lives I was involved in and the precious meaning that was found there?
And perfection is so easy to strive for because it seems to readily available. We’re always offered something more that will enhance our lives. So why not get the one last thing that will help? It’s such a vain ambition. Life will never be perfect and we’ll only continue to be unhappy if we strive to better it because it will only constantly reminds us of what we do not have. I’m trying so hard to fight against the current of lies, but they suck me in and I don’t know where the standard is that will help me gain a good perspective.
Image has been one of the last to drag me under, but I can feel it’s pull. I think that the more I loose simplicity the more image draws me in because I have lost those intimate relationships where I shared who I really was. When people don’t truly know you and you can’t share your life with them day in and day out it leaves you in a world where you feel misunderstood. This leads to the need to create an image so that people won’t mistakenly judge you. Sadly, I’m slowly getting there.
And finally purpose. You may question me strongly on this one, but I really don’t believe life is about purpose. It’s something we all want, but the problem comes when it is something we all strive for. In reality, it’s the same thing with all the other things I’ve talked about. The problem isn’t in possessing each of those, it’s in the fact that we strive for them. In making them the focus of our lives we loose sight of God and take life into our own hands. We need the control too much. Being involved, bettering one’s life, having an image, and possessing a purpose are all natural parts of life. The problem is that we know that, and see that our lives are missing them. It then becomes our focus in life to get them back. And that is the trap because we don’t obtain them by seeking them. We obtain them by seeking God and living each day as it is entrusted to Him. The purpose of man is to fear God and obey his commandments (Eccl. 12:13), not seek after every possible way to make our lives right on our own terms. I feel like maybe this is what Ecclesiastes is all about. Life does become vain and empty if we try to control it ourselves.
I started to find myself on the edge of being pulled in to a way of thinking that I knew would destroy my life. But in thinking it out I think I have found myanswer, you know, that standard that will help me gain perspective again. God is good, why do I so easily forget Him?
It’s been my goal this break to read all four of the gospels. I’m a little behind in my goal but last night I was reading in Matthew, and the words of Jesus hit me quite hard. He was talking about how what we say comes from within – something we all know I suppose. But then he said. ” …every careless word that people speak, they shall give an account for it in the day of judgement. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt. 12:36-37). I couldn’t help but think how many careless words I throw out in a day. Especially yesterday when I got in a stupid argument with my sister. But if every word will be judged… man, it makes me wonder what I’m really saying every day. And at the end of every day will I be justified or condemned by what has come out of my mouth? Have I lifted people up and brought life? Or have I beaten others down and smothered the flame that lives within them? By far I know I am guilty of wasting opportunities to bring life. And I can’t help but know that every word Jesus spoke had a purpose. After all, He was the Word of Life. So I pray that I can only be the same in the world I live in, and I hope that I will be held accountable to that.
”May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Ps. 19:14
The other day my boyfriend and I went to a used bookstore. I think there’s something very romantic and mystical about old books. I think I could be around them all day. To be honest I wasn’t very impressed with the selection of books at this particular place, but when I was amidst the dusty shelves looking for something impressionable I thought about the amount of impact my choice could potentially make. I think anything that we allow into our minds has some bearing of influence whether we agree with it or not. If we allow the material in it will in some way ifluence our thinking or perspective. As I looked at all the different authors on the shelves I realized I had no idea who they were or what agenda they were trying to get across in their writings. I suddenly became more guarded about buying a book at all simply because I didn’t know. I didn’t know who I wanted to guide my way. None the less, I did end up buying a book. It’s titled Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander by Thomas Merton. Thomas Merton is a monk who wrote during the 1960′s. Really the book I bought is irrelevant, but I’m glad I had the thoughts I did during my visit to the old bookstore. I will forever be aware of what I am choosing to let in. Everything will guide my thoughts one way or another, and what is worth my time? I think Song of Solomon said it best: “But beyond this, my son, be warned: the writing of many books is endless, and excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body.” Eccl. 12:12
God is so good. The days I wake up thinking that are always the best. I hope you enjoy His presence today.
For about a year now every Sunday night I’ve been watching 4-5 year old class at the church I attend. I started doing it because I figured I had the time to give and it would help some people out. I soon found out that the kids I watch at the worst behaved kids I have ever encountered. They never have any inclination of obeying me and run around and scream like little crazy people. Needless to say almost from the beginning I have dreaded every Sunday night, however, I keep doing it because I know it gives the parents an opportunity to study God’s word and fellowship with other parents – something I gather is much needed.
Regardless of all that, what I really wanted to write about is the thoughts I’ve had about my interactions with these young children. Early on I began to consider what I had thought of church as a little kid and I remembered how boring I always thought it was. I hated going to church. And what I realized is that the age these kids were at was the age that they will start forming their impressions of church and Christians, and I have no doubt these impressions will most likely last them all throughout high school. This thought drastically changed the approach I take every Sunday in how I treat these kids. If this class I teach will be the basis for their impressions of Christianity, then I want to do my best to represent it well. What I want them to know most about God is that He loves them dearly. So I don’t yell or get upset or tell them their doing everything wrong (which is more than true), but instead I try to find ways to incorporate Bible stories and God into what they already like to do. I don’t know what difference it is making, and last night when one of the children’s pastors came in I’m sure she was astonished to see how out of control the room was and how crazy all the kids were, but I also know that those kids had a lot of fun acting out all the Bible stories we came up with and they didn’t feel condemned for being the lively kids that they are. So, even if you may feel like you’re loosing all control, whatever situation you find yourself in I encourage you to remember what impression of God you’re making, and act out of that instead of the strict lines society so desires.
Whenever I have time to spare I run up to the second floor of our library, grab my favorite Bible (which I think our school should donate to me when I graduate because I’m sure I’m the only one who reads it) and I head to the very back where a chair is secretly tucked away in the corner. Today as I looked around me I wondered about all the books that surrounded me and all the different minds and thoughts they represent, and I wondered what God thought of it all and if any of it is right or if we’re all just off the wall with our limited understanding. Yet considering the vast human perspective that was represented in our small library seemed so powerful and inspiring. Then I thought how, regardless of what any of those books say, in my lap was sitting a book not written from the mind of any man but instead written from the heart of God. How powerful is that? To think that the God of the universe cared enough to send a book so that man could get a glimpse of who He is and what His intentions are. I suddenly didn’t care if I ever read any other book again.
Who is like the LORD our God,
Who is enthroned on high,
Who humbles Himself to behold
The things that are in heaven and in the earth?
Psalm 113:5-6, NASB
“He is not the God of the dead, but of the living; You are greatly mistaken.”
- Jesus Christ
Most of the time I just like to laugh at myself. My thoughts are always crazy, random, contradictory, and all over the place. How is anyone supposed to make sense of this world, especially if they think like I do? I think sometimes I try to take myself seriously, but it only takes me 20 minutes or so before I just shake my head and laugh. What do I know? I think that’s when I realize I just need to kick back and relax and let life flow. Life will be what it’s going to be, and in reality how much are the worries of today going to affect me 6 months down the road? How little my world can become. Sometimes I think someone just needs to say, “Kelly, it doesn’t matter and nobody cares.” Haha, so true…
Sometimes I like to sit in the windowsill on the second floor of our library and watch the people walking across the plaza. You can tell who’s worried and who’s rushed, who’s having fun and who’s lonely, who’s incredibly busy and who doesn’t have a care in the world. As I watch everyone I can’t help but know that God is most certainly in and among us. Just being as high up as the second floor, I feel so disconnected from everyone walking down below. We say that God is with us that He is all around us knowing what is going on, but I think we rarely believe it. I always go up to that windowsill to remember how close God really is. There’s no way He can hear all the prayers He hears and be as involved as He is without sitting in our hearts and hearing each thought or being right by our side listening to each conversation we have. Our God is right here with us, walking with us throughout each day. He has to be, otherwise He would be too disconnected. It’s one or the other. I hope you’re as comforted as I am to know how close our God resides in our lives. And if necessary, take a trip to a second story window and sit and watch and soon enough you’ll understand.
“But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; “
– Psalm 73: 28
“My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road. Though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me.
And you will never leave me to face my struggles alone.”
– Thomas Merton
This prayer couldn’t reflect my thoughts more. I have no idea where I should be headed, but I do want to please God adn do His will, and yet it’s true that just because it’s my desire doens’t mean that I actually am pleasing God. But I know that God is always gracious and that often times we get so caught up in worrying about doing the right thing that we loose sight of God altogether. So I will continue to seek God and keep my focus on Him.
“I’m coming back to the heart of worship…”
I really like the words to that song because I find it something that I always need to be evaluating. It’s easy to start off right and slowly lose sight of what worship really is. I can read my Bible and pray every day, I can examine the life of Christ and understand new principles and ways of living, and I can meet with people and talk about God all I want, but unless God is truly at the center of it then it’s all in vain. I catch myself holding back from others, reading my Bible instead of sitting in God’s presence, blogging thoughts on-line instead of sharing my life with people all around me. But I continue to seek that heart of worship that God talks about, and I’m thankful that it’s a continual process because it makes me focus that much more. Thank God that He is gracious and faithful to us. He is so good.
Sometimes I sit in church disgusted at the clothes and makeup I’m wearing, bothered by the flashing lights and created atmosphere, and wondering if we will ever see pass the obsessive amount of distractions we live our lives by. Why do I care what clothes I put on, since when did life become about the clothes we wear? Why is money so important? I know God builds His kingdom without it. It’s just every once in awhile that I realize that we live in the most fake and made up world and we’ve created it all ourselves. In the past year I’ve realized why the ancients put on sackcloth when they sought God. Sometimes when I pray I change out of the nice clothes I have on, let my hair down, and get down on my knees and pray. It brings me to God with just myself and it helps all the distractions fade away. They say if you look good, you’ll feel good, but what pretending do I have to do before God? I like the reality that I can sit before God and He can see my heart and I can see my heart regardless of where I’m at. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable and hard when something ugly is found there, but I love the purity and simplicity of those moments. That’s another reason why I often take my shoes off during worship. There’s something about it that humbles me and lets me know I’m standing on holy ground and there’s really nothing I can offer but myself. I hope as I continue this life I’ll continue to see more clearly, that as I grow the clutter will fade away, and that my mind won’t ”be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ.” (2 Cor. 11:3)
When I lived in Mexico I used to watch the sunset every day. The colors that filled the sky and the light shining over the mountains always brought to mind “the heavens declare the glory of God.” And there was something about recognizing God’s faithfulness as the day closed out in darkness. The faithfulness of those sunsets always reminded me that God loved me.
Since I’ve been in Michigan I’ve missed those sunsets; I’ve missed the daily reminder of God’s power, faithfulness, and love. Not that I don’t see it in other places, but I liked those moments that ended each day so peacefully. I hadn’t thought about it much until yesterday when I walked outside my room to head to dinner. As soon as I got past my building I saw the sky beautifully painted in colors with the sun half sunken on the horizon. And I couldn’t help but smile because it was a long forgotten reminder of God’s love. It was much needed. I hope you know that God loves you today and that He is faithful.
“And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. “
Gen. 2:25
This week a pastor came and talked in my human sexuality class about a Biblical take on sex. Although the topic was sex what I took away from it really didn’t have anything to do with sex. In his discussion he was talking about how when God completed the creation story He ended with Gen 2:25. He then went on to explain that in this last verse God reveals His plan for paradise: a relationship in which two people can be completely exposed to one another and yet completely safe and accepted in the other’s presence. And the thought goes deeper than just them being naked, it means they were exposed in every way – holding nothing back. I can’t fathom the profoundness of that meaning in terms of any relationship/friendship. Imagine if we possessed the ability to be wholly ourselves with another person knowing that we could stand before them unashamed. Imagine if we could allow another person to be in our presence and allow them to be fully themselves and give them no reason to hold back. The power that such a relationship would possess is unfathomable. Which only leads me to know that that is the relationship God seeks out for each one of us – to be fully exposed and yet know that He unconditionally loves us – beyond doubt there is power in that relationship so let us continue to seek after it with all our hearts. And once we begin to grasp its workings let us strive to offer that grace to every person we encounter.
I was sitting in a meeting today where we were talking about holiness and transformation and I was inspired to spend more time with God. So after the meeting ended I walked over to the library, grabbed my favorite Bible, and headed to the back corner. And it’s funny because I was turning to a passage that I’ve been reading for the past 3 weeks, but as I sat down I thought about how every time I open that Book it’s an opportunity to discover something new. I was so excited and as I began to read Philippians 3 for probably the 17th time I was blown away. I read it 2 or 3 times and was so excited about what those pages were saying. I can’t tell you all the thoughts that entered my mind, but to suddenly grasp so much from a chapter that I’ve been reading for the past 3 weeks just blew my mind. How many times do I miss out on those opportunities because I’m not looking for something new? Even the fact that I had already spent time with God today and found it rather uninspiring and disappointing, and yet here I was a few hours later refusing to give up my search and finding an incredible world lying a few feet past where I had wanted to look. So be encourage and keep seeking Him because He promises to reward you. And if you happen to read this and know me, call me up and I’ll talk your ear off about what I think about Phil. 3. Oh, and I read the passage in the amplified version – it made all the difference. Live blessed.
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I think I get carried away with life sometimes and don’t give myself time to think. Such a sad thought. I’m so grateful God created a day of rest, even if we don’t practice it weekly we still fit breaks in here and there. I spent my spring break with my boyfriend in Mexico. It wasn’t at all what you would think. I went to show him my home, where I grew up, and the people who have my heart. My house is in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere surrounded by mountains. Most of the houses are made out of mud, they just recently go electricity, and their water system is severely lacking, but I couldn’t love a place more. There’s a small group of Christians who live there and the encouragement and inspiration they bring to me is endless. They work hard for everything they have and never complain about what they don’t have. Their praises every week revolve around thanking God that there was rain so that their animals didn’t die or that their child is no longer sick because there’s no doctor around. The reality of their faith and what it means to them pushes me to know my God more. I wish that the life I lived now was one where God was literally all I had. It’s amazing we considered ourselves blessed to live as an American when really the blessings only created distractions and expectations that get in the way of us seeing and knowing our God. I always remind myself of what blessed really looks like, and that small little town is what always comes to mind.
“Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul.” 1 Peter 2:11
I was reading Thomas Merton again and he was describing nature’s awakening at dawn, how it calls out to it’s Creator asking permission to “be” just as it did the first it was created. It was a beautiful picture until he got to mankind and how we wake up by our clocks already decided on what the day will hold for us. And then we go about our business completely unaware that we were created to be our Creator’s creation. “…paradise is all around us and we do not understand…” We miss the point and block out the beauty with noise. It made me realize how much I miss just sitting in silence. I used to go out into the woods and enjoy nature and listen will all my heart in the hopes of hearing that small Whisper. I’ve definitely gotten too busy, too caught up in not living. That’s what I’ve missed most this past year, and it has affected my joy and contentment so much. I think that is why so much of me is dying to escape from this culture. I need out, because if I let that faint Whisper fade out I fear I’ll be lost forever. Lost in a world that never satisfies and that makes me feel like I need control and success – a world that will rob my soul.
excerpt from Thomas Merton:
“We face our mornings as men of undaunted purpose. We know the time and we dictate terms. We are in a position to dictate terms, we suppose: we have a clock that proves we are right from the very start. We know what time it is. We are in touch with the hidden inner laws. We sill say in advance what kind of day it has to be. Then if necessary we will take steps to make it meet our requirements.”
Yesterday 1 Corinthians 13 came up in two different conversations and both mentioned how in the end three things remain: faith, hope, and love. One of the questions asked was how are these three playing out in my life right now. I found it a well timed question considering the place my friends and I are finding ourselves these days. There seems to be so much we’re waiting on and so much unknown. So I thought about how faith, hope and love fit into life and I decided that no matter where I find myself, I start each new challenge or endeavor with faith, confident that God will see me through or that He has a plan. And that kind of leads me to hope, I start out with faith because I have a hope that I can trust in, a hope that says in the end all things will work together for good. So what about love? That was easy - in between the faithful beginning and the hopeful ending we are called to love. Love fills the gap between faith and hope. It fills the gap and gives us no reason to say we’re just waiting. So if you feel idle or that your world is at a standstill until you find out what the next move is, take the opportunity to look around and see where God’s love is needed. Perhaps our waiting is just God’s gift of love to the world.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Cor. 13:13
It’s rare, but sometimes I just sit and think how incredible it is that God came down to earth, that the world we live in was once graced by the presence of our Creator. And then I’ve always wondered why humanity doesn’t bow down in wonder at the mere fact of it. But I guess in a small way we do. At least in our culture Christmas and Easter are two of the most celebrated holidays. And yes, they’ve much lost their meaning and have been covered over with insignificant things, but nonetheless, 2,000 years later God’s life and death are still celebrated. I find it quite remarkable and it makes me want to celebrate all the more. Christ’s time on earth IS remembered. What an incredible God and what a gracious Savior. How humble His love…
I like the thought of life. I think there’s something about spring coming that just gives everyone a feeling of starting over and breathing in new life again. It’s quite inspiring. You almost feel like you can conquer the world. And there’s something about knowing you have someone to share the adventures with that makes it even better. This summer I’m working at a wilderness camp and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m ready for something new, adventurous, challenging, and just something that will push me to grow. When I talk about having someone to share it all with I think of my boyfriend. He’ll be working in Mexico most of the summer, but I still can’t wait to tell him about what I am learning as the summer goes on. And I can’t wait to hear all about his Mexican adventures either. We’re both so excited for each other and I think it’s because we both know the other person is going where God wants them to be. So while we’ll be far away and not even within a phone call of each other, we’ll still be living life together. We’ll both be pursuing passions and growing in faith and I suspect that we’ll be closer in the end because of it. I can’t wait.
“May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.”
I feel as though my thoughts on here have been lacking, and it’s not that I haven’t been thinking, I’ve just had too many thoughts to know what to post. Sometimes life comes at you too quickly. But I haven’t been so excited for life in a long time. If you care to go to my first post you can see the difference. This year has felt more down than up, and when I finally felt like I was getting back on my feet I got mono and did all I could to just make it day to day. But there’s only two weeks of school left, and after that the unknown really. It’s funny, because while my heart aches at not being able to live with my family all summer, learn and grow with my boyfriend, or share my heart and life with friends I can’t wait to have the time with God. I feel as though I crave it every day, and I can’t wait to have the time to sit with Him, to dwell in His creation, to pour into His lost creation, and to learn more of who He is and who He wants me to be. My soul and heart need to be refreshed in Him so much. This will be a good summer, if nothing else I will rest in the presence of my Redeemer and learn what the next move is until He returns. I hope that your summer proves to be the same…
Today I was thinking about people who we say are hard to love. I’ve heard the question posed many times. “What kind of person is the hardest for you to love?” “Why is that?” I think we all have our answers and can come up with what everyone considers a legitimate reason as to why it’s understandable. I mean when you think of it, it’s easy to find an excuse as to why you can’t love someone because we’re all fault-filled. We just find the fault we dislike the most and then point to the people who have it. But as I thought about it, I realized how invalid any answer really is. When it comes down to it, the person who is hardest to love either makes us feel uncomfortable, unappreciated, contaminated, that our own pride is threatened, or something along those lines. It has nothing to do with that person, but rather with ourselves. All we’re really saying is that we can’t get past ourselves and our own self-love to reach out to a person like “that”. Really what we’re saying is that whatever fault those people possess is particularly threatening to us and we retreat for self-protection, but we point to them as the cause so that we don’t have to look at our own insecurities and see that we’re really the ones who need to change. I’m challenged to find the next person I can who is “hard to love” and find what insecurity is lying beneath, for Christ called us to love all people and He doesn’t command the impossible. All people are lovable, our self-love is just too great.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in LOVE.
Eph. 4:2
To all of those who realize I have internet access and didn’t get an email from you, I apologize. I gigured it will be easiiest to updaye you all this way bceause the internet is too slow to even begin writing everyone. But camp is good and my stories will be limited due to confidentiality, but I can tell you it will be one challenging yet amazing summer. I have 10 girls in my cabin and I love them all. Three of them just arrived yesterday and are getting used to the idea of a rugged camp life for 10 weeks as their parents told them it was going to be a lot more fun than it actually is. But as hard as it is (with outhouses, no electricity, lake showers in freezing cold rain, and heavy work all day long) we make due with what we have. Humor helps and I can’t help but laugh when the girls start singing “it’s a hard enough life” from the movie Annie or “It’s a sad day after all” to the tune of It’s a small world. They’ll make the best of it and I think that in the end we’ll all find the summer worth while. Although I will admit, when I first arrived here I thought “if I was sent here I would try to run away every day.” But I just kept praying and God has really encouraged me and I know this is where I should be (even though today was my first shower in 4 days). But know that I miss and love you all and I wish you the best this summer. I’ll try to update this as often as possible, but my contact will be extremely limited – more so than I thought. But live blessed and give your summer to God regardless of circumstances because you could always be stuck in the middle of no-where Canada, swarmed by mosquitos in the freezing rain, cleaning up the forest ground that is truly an endless job, while monitoring 10 drama queen, unhappy teenage girls. Haha, no but seriously, I will love my job and I’m excited for what God has. I love you all and to Brian – happy one year. It’s been great and I can’t wait for the year to come.
So here at camp there is a lovely tradition that whenever a birthday or other certain even occurs (that of which I will not say because I know my friends will use it against me) the staff or camper involved must participate in a dock challenge. A dock challenge is a fight on a floating dock (which is not very sturdy and tips) where the student or staff member chooses someone else to fight with until one of the two is thrown into the lake. It just so happens that yesterday my dear family and boyfriend got together and ensured that I would be sent to a dock challenge. So after dinner (in my button down shirt and nice jeans) I had to challenge someone to fight me on the dock. I chose a camper from my cabin who I’ve gotten along with well the last week or so. She was less than thrilled but decided her tactic would be to just grab on to me and ensure we were both going in. We ended up rolling around on the dock for quite a while. She was holding on to me for dear life as I used every wrestling move I knew to get out of her holds. We finally rolled close enough to the edge of the dock that when I peeled her hands from around my neck I was able to push her into the water. And by that time I had skinned the tops of my feet and turned my knees very black and blue. So then since I had won I was lucky enough to challenge another person. Needless to say, she got me in with not so long of a fight. And I found out how horrible lake showers really were for all my campers. The water sent my body into near shock and I struggled to even swim to the water’s edge. But it was a good time, and I think it helped me connect with the girls which is always a good thing.
I know I’m posting this on the same day as my last post, but my internet use is extremely limited and unpredictable. And along with the fun, I wanted to tell you about what this job is doing for my heart as well. The main goal of this camp is to get kids out of their comfort zone and bring them to circumstances that will basically cause them to freak out and crisis so that we as staff can intervene and teach and model better coping mechanisms. It’s basically set up to be extremely difficult so that the kids can’t help but react which gives the staff a place to start working with them. So my job is mainly to just build relationships with the girls and make them feel like someone is on their side and rooting for them. And as I’ve gone throughout the days I’ve realized that I have never been presented with such an opportunity to give self-lessly. These kids are so broken, distrusting, rejected, and troubled that they don’t know how to interact with life nor see anything beyond themselves. So I make it my goal to find every opportunity I can to give to them because it speaks so loudly. I don’t know that I’ve ever found such pleasure from giving as I have in the last couple of weeks. Whether it’s befriending the girl who just knocked me of the boardwalk, sleeping on the floor next to a girl’s bed because she has nightmares, hanging up laundry with them, taking their laundry all down in my time off, offering them starburts on a hard day, helping them with their chores, or taking their punishments for them, I’ve found great joy in serving these girls and I can’t wait till I know them better and understand more ways in which I can offer myself. I never knew that I could ever go to bed and look back on my day and count it good because I gave goodness to those who gave me the exact opposite. God truly is working in my heart and I pray that I don’t grow weary. So, if you think of it, pray for strength and a clear mind for me. I don’t want to loose heart and I want to see more clearly what will really reach these girls where they need to be met. I know God will move this summer and maybe it will be more in my heart than in the hearts of the girls I’m with.
A week ago from last Sunday our cabin experienced what we call a crisis. I will now forever hate that word. Needless to say, every camper is on a level system and due to horrible behavior seven of them dropped to a level where none of them could talk to each other. While I’m sure this was inconvenient for them, it was more inconvenient for me and my team leader because we have to make sure they don’t talk as well as issue pushups every time they do. Since it was still only the 2nd week of camp, I knew that this power struggle could easily kill any growth we tried to instill. So I told Jamie (my team leader) to issue me all the push ups because deep down these girls have hearts and while they won’t care about doing their own pushups they’d hopefully care about making me do them.
So, Monday morning we start off and right away I’m given 20 pushups. (take note that anytime someone talks I get double the punishment because another person is always involved). The girls caught on to what was happening, but thought they had the afternoon off since we weren’t working with them. But we set it up with their teacher to write down every incident and give us the list at the end of the day. So that night Jamie made everyone go out and sit on the porch and one by one handed out slips of paper that listed the incident and the amount of pushups. Some girls ended up handing me 5 slips, but the point was made and the girls were very affected and apologizing all over the place.
The next morning I woke up and said to God, “I can’t do this. There is no way I can do this again. I need the strength of body and heart.” Not only is it hard physically, but it’s extremely humiliating to have someone yell at you to drop and give them pushups and then have a crowd just sit and watch. But God gave me the grace I needed and I started off the morning with 60 exercises. When the girls complained Jamie made them all stand close to me and count them out as a group. It sombered the whole mood and some were asking if they could do them with me or for me. The day continued and again during my time off I knew my list was coming and I just started praying and asking for strength because nothing within me wanted to do it. But God really put it on my heart, so I told Jamie to go for it again. When we had all the girls circle around that night they really started protesting and asking if they could do them with me. Jamie told them they could do them but they either had to do all or none and either the whole cabin had to do them or nobody could do them with me. Most of the girls got down on the floor with me, and our youngest yelled out, “That means everybody gets down.” So we did all the exercises together as a team.
I’d like to say that they whole idea was a profound thing and that it really made a difference, but that wouldn’t be true. If nothing else, it eliminated the power struggle for the first half of the week, but once the girls realized what was happening they kind of hardened their hearts. As for me, it spoke volumes. I learned so much about Christ’s attitude toward us and the humility it takes to truly serve and love others. It gave me a glimpse of His heart and I understood a little bit better the road He traveled. It takes a lot to be so self-seacrificing and have people take it for granted. But more than anything I learned the freedom with which Christ loves us. Such an incredible thing to begin to understand. Here I’ve been, paying the punishment for all the rebellious and careless actions they take and it leaves us in the position where they have nothing whatsoever to offer me and I have everything to offer them. And it brought me to a place where love flowed so freely and openly from my heart because I was struggling to give them everything that I had with absolutely no other reason to give but that I loved them. And I realized that that is Christ’s attitude towards me and you – and it’s absolutely freeing.
The title refers to one of my favorite songs. It’s all about hearing the voice of God and the translation of the title is “To Hear You Speak.” The other day I had pretty much reached my breaking point. I had gotten to my afternoon break in total exhaustion and my heart was hardening quick (much like what happens every day, but it was especially dramatic this day). I sat down to read my Bible and I just told God that I had had it and there was no reason for me to stand up for these girls anymore because they deserve everything they get. I started reading and I ended up underlining 4 different verses that all spoke so clearly to my situation and what I should do about it. The power of God’s love and His understanding of His Creation is amazing. I was so thankful and immediately just started praying for the girls, for my heart and actions, and then I just stopped. And I got down on my knees and thanked God for speaking to my heart because it seems that it has been so long since I’ve heard that still, small, yet clear voice speaking directly to me. I’ve missed it and craved it for the past year and just never seemed to hear it. And here I was, sitting in my tiny loft searching for answers, given an answer, delighted in finally having direction, and yet more than anything overwhelmed with joy at simply knowing that God was speaking to my heart.
The attitudes, behaviors, and issues the girl’s in my cabin have are absolutely exhausting. I find myself getting so frustrated that one moment they can be great and the next thing you know they’ve given up and decide to take it out on the world. It’s so easy for me to fall into the mindset that they deserve everything they get when it comes to punishment. But in the end, I wonder if punishing the heck out of them will really do any good. I’ve been here long enough to realize that they don’t really change, they just perform better until they snap again. Regardless in the moments of crisis and frustration all I want is for them to get what they have coming to them. And then the other day God brought a verse to my attention. That day was especially frustrating and I had pretty much had it with one of the girls. The verse I read was in the beginning of Proverbs 16. It said that mercy, love, truth, and fidelity remove iniquity from the heart more than self sacrifice. And I realized that that is my place. I’m the one to bring them mercy, love, truth, and fidelity because it will change their hearts far more than any punishment will. And isn’t it that way in life? Don’t we all just wish that people would get what is coming to them, when instead God would wish that we would reach out with mercy and offer them love. And once they are convinced of that love they will listen to the truth we bring to their lives and then be able to change as we faithfully stand by them as they wade out of their ugly sin. I’m forced into this challenge every day, but I hope you take it up yourself and offer such grace to those around you.
This last week we went backpacking as a cabin. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who enjoyed it. I think I can sum up the thoughts of all the cabin through the words of one of our campers, “I don’t see how strapping crap to your back and walking is fun. I just don’t see the fun part in it.” But at least they now think that camp isn’t the worst place they can be.
As far as my thoughts on camp now that I’m officially half way through, I have to say it’s completely different than I ever thought. I’ve realized that these girls have no desire to build a relationship with anyone because to them it’s just another way to get their hearts broken. They’re just living till they get out and could care less what or who is there in the mean time. Realizing this and knowing that I have another 6 weeks to serve them leaves me almost at a loss. But I know that faithfulness is what we are called to, so I will continue to be faithful and give until the last day that I am here. I’m hoping and praying that within that time God will open up opportunity and conversations, yet I am content knowing that there are sometimes where we’ll never see the purpose of what we’ve done or why we served. So I’ll leave asking you to pray that seeds would be planted, even if they don’t sprout for another ten years. I would just hate for this summer to have been a waste for the eleven girls who live in my cabin.
Last week our cabin went on a back packing trip that lasted five days. We each had about a 50 pound pack on our back and we hiked anywhere from 4-8 hours a day. We made camp every night, swam in the lake some, and were usually too tired to eat much. Despite the less than wonderful conditions in which we were hiking, there were these flowers along the way called lady slippers which we were to be extremely careful not to trample. They’re very rare (except for where we were hiking of course) and take about 10 years to germinate which makes them more endangered than normal. It just so happens that they were quite plentiful in the area where we were hiking and we not only had to watch out for the flower but for its leaves as well because even though there wasn’t always a flower present, it could still be developing. I admit that I was kind of annoyed that we had to watch out for these flowers especially when they were all over the path. And I thought it was kind of stupid because for one – people are only around that area once a year in the summer, and two – nobody else is really ever there to even see them. But as I started thinking about it, I realized that despite my not caring, these flowers were still part of God’s creation. And I thought about how much caring for these flowers applies to how we treat God’s children. It’s so easy to slightly trample someone and just think they’re going to blow it off and that your carelessness doesn’t really matter. But maybe in the long run, the 14 other hikers behind you thought the same thing and the person’s soul was quickly trampled to death – beyond repair. And really all you needed to do was take the time to step aside and then warn the person behind you of the fragile heart that is in danger. I think we do that a lot to one another. We’re careless and think that one slight remark or one time of ignoring someone won’t make a difference, but we’re never there at the end of the day to look and see the affects of everyone else’s actions that that person had to deal with. I was very much challenged to hold myself accountable to how I speak and react to those around me, and especially to the eleven fragile souls in my cabin. I still don’t care a whole lot about lady slippers, but I guess a good lesson came from it.
I think I mentioned before that I’m now officially half way through the summer. Things have been getting slightly better, but up until this weekend I still saw little hope. It’s funny that even though the summer has been challenging with hardly any glimpses of progress, God really put a sense of urgency in my herat this week. I know our time here at camp is short, and it’s going to go by so quickly, and God has placed a fire in my heart that is more ablaze now than it ever has been. I’m desperate not to let a moment slip by and in a strange way I don’t want the summer to end. There’s still so much to be done. So my prayer this past week has been that God would move now like never before and that blind hearts and eyes would be opened.
Yesterday was my first glimpse of this and I cannot tell you the joy and excitement that filled my soul. I had just gotten on with the girls for their evening chores and one of the girls was flipping out about how much she hated the world, the program, and everyone here. Being that we had to keep working and I am constantly being called to run errands, her freaking out was split into five different sessions. It was kind of a good thing because it gave her time to calm down a little bit in between, but being that the sight of anyone ticked her off, it made it difficult to talk. I decided to let her cool down and that night I asked if she wanted to talk. She said only if I wanted to and of course I did (don’t know if that made her mad or glad) so we sat down for the ten minutes we had and she just opened up about everything that was going on. It was so amazing and she asked if we could continue the conversation later when we had more time. I was more that delighted to do that, and I can’t wait for the opportunity.
After she went to bed my team leader walked over to me and handed me a note. My first guess was that it was another illegal note that had been found and therefore another headache to deal with. But as I opened it up I saw that it was a list of questions. One of our girls had written out a list of eight extremely profound questions about God and life. She’s been very against Christianity and with good reason. But her questions were honest and she’s very much seeking. That’s another conversation I can’t wait to have.
So God is moving and it brings tears to my eyes to know that hearts are opening up and that lives truly can be changed. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so honored to be in the place that I am and have the opportunities that are lying before me. All I can do is praise God!
Every time I ride the boat across the lake I think about how one day this boat ride will mean freedom, and that reality finally seems to be in reach. I have one month to go. I haven’t written because my day off this week happened to be almost two weeks from my last day off. Fortunately for me and my team leader someone decided to crisis every day this week (for those of you who don’t know the fortunately part was pure sarcasm). It’s good that I’m at the point where I would do anything for these girls. I love them to death which makes it easier to hop from one girl’s crisis over to the next. Last night I had the privelege of sharing the gospel with one girl, only to be inturrupted by another girl who was freaking out in hysteria, after I calmed her down and figured out what was wrong I had to chase down a girl who just decided she was leaving, and later decided she wasn’t moving from the rock she was sitting on. Once I convinced her to go back to the cabin I went and gave a back rub to our youngest who had a migraine and I ended up sleeping on the floor by her bed because she was sick and she panics when she throws up. And that was only one evening. Needless to say I’m exhausted. But I’ll end for now. I do have good news to come, so hopefully the internet will be working later. much love to you all.
Sorry for my unfaithfulness in blogging. I will say that it can almost be completely blamed on the lack of working internet. I’m rather dissapointed because there are so many stories I have missed by now and there’s no chance of me ever catching up. Anyways, our cabin just got back from canoe camp. It was refreshing to be out on the water every day and soak up the sun for the first time this summer. And it was cool because every day I had the chance to spend time with individual girls and we had some good conversations. I never cease to be amazed at the opportunities God continues to provide. This next week is the camp’s spiritual emphasis week, and I’m praying that God will really move in the camper’s hearts. From what I’ve been told the last two weeks are the worst because the campers try and destroy any relationship they’ve built. They’ve had so much hurt in their lives that it’s easier to destroy a relationship than to face saying good bye to someone who matters to them. I’m kind of wondering how these last two weeks can be any worse than the first ten, but I’m ready for them. And I’m ready to see God work and touch the broken hearts that live in my cabin. If you think about it, be praying for them.
One of the girl’s who has captured my heart this summer loves to write stories, only her stories are filled with tragedy and pain. Early on in the summer she was banned from writing her stories which she says makes her slowly die inside. So a couple of weeks ago I asked her if she still tells herself her stories in her head. When she said she still did, I asked her to do me a favor. I asked her to put a hero in her stories, a hero who would come and save her. As soon as she heard what I said her eyes teared up and she said, ” Yeah, but I’ve never had a hero come in real life.” I told her that if she didn’t let a hero come into her stories, then she would never trust the hero that will one day come in real life.
I didn’t pursue the conversation after that, but a couple of days ago she came running up to me with a story in her hand. She wanted me to burn it, so I asked her if there was anything wrong with it. She said she didn’t think so and that she had put a hero in it. I told her to keep it and later that day she came up and asked me if I would read it – something she’s never let anyone do. Her story almost brought tears to my eyes. Her hero was full of love and compassion and wanted to show her what love really looked like. It gave me hope that one day she will let someone like that in, that she will have the strength to trust them, and that she will finally realize that she is worth loving.
Every now and then a moment comes that resonates so deep within my heart that I wish I could just stop time and hold the moment forever. One of the moments that would more than fit that description was created by one of my 17 year old campers who always wears black and looks like she could kill someone at any given moment. Despite her tough exterior, for about the last three weeks any time she has caught me sitting on the bench in our cabin she scampers over and curls up next to me with her head on my lap. I usually just sit and rub her arm and sometimes we talk and sometimes we don’t. But the other day as we sat there she whispered to me, ” I’ve never felt more loved or safe in my life as I do in these moments.” Her words brought tears to my eyes. The tears were two fold. First, I couldn’t help but think how sad it was that a young girl had been put through so much pain that she was no longer wanted at home, so she ended up at a horrible work camp in the middle of no-where Canada – and it’s there that she finds her first glimpse of love and safety. The second reason for my tears was that I couldn’t have felt more honored or priveleged to be the one who provided that love and safety.
The next night we had chapel and I was designated to stay behind and wait for the kids who had chosen to stay and pray. I asked if she would stay with me even though she hates chapel and has no desire to seek after God. So she laid down and curled up next to me and cried for the next half hour. I can’t even try to explain what it’s like to be present in a moment like that – for someone to consider you safe enough to share their pain. But it moved me deeply and I wonder how I’m going to be able to say good bye to her in a week.
Today is my last day off and therefore this will be my last post while still at camp. As I’ve been thinking about camp ending and what it will mean to wrap up this summer experience all I can think about is those war movies where the main character comes home and all he can do is sit in silence and nobody else understands why. But as these last days roll by that is all I want to do. When this all ends and I step off the bus I wonder how I will go back to normal life. I think I fear that I’ll jump right back in and not have the time to sit down and process the 12 weeks I’ve spent battling for the hearts of these girls, battling for their trust, battling the lies they tell themselves and have been told by others, battling my own heart, battling my flesh that wanted to take over every day, and battling for what I knew God wanted. You can’t come away from something like that unchanged.
So as I think about it all winding down, all I want to do is just sit for days in silence because the thought of all that has happened and all that I’ve seen just leaves me speechless and in awe – in awe of the pain and horridness that is in this life and in awe of God and the power that lies behind what He has called us to be. I feel like I just need hours and hours to process it all and let it truly sink in. I’m scared that I’ll never sit down and let this summer really become a part of who I am and who I’m becoming, yet I know God is faithful and I trust that He will help me find a way. It has been quite the experience – one of those experiences from which you never recover.
I’ve been home for less than 24 hours, but my heart and soul are already at rest. Saying goodbye to the girls was hard. When the bus pulled into the parking lot and stopped, I looked around and realized there was no way I could say goodbye to the people around me. God was gracious and I made it through. And now I’m home resting with occasional flash backs from camp coming to my mind. They always bring a smile to my face andI can’t help but think that God is so good. He has taught me so much and I’m so blessed to have been given such an experience. It has by far changed me forever. And I will always love those girls dearly. But rest is still much needed. It’s just good to be home, and good to know that God is still with me and that He always will be.
As much as I have liked not waking up to “you have 30 seconds to get out of bed!”, girls already complaining that it’s going to be a bad day, and someone freaking out because they’re sick or swollen up again, I do miss waking up to “His mercies are new every morning” being whispered in my ear. Without fail I woke up to that phrase every day while I was at camp, and since I’ve been back I can’t help know that that is something that I shouldn’t leave behind. I remember that as the days went on I started to think about how cool it was to wake up to that every morning; but as the weeks went on I began to understand the power of what that really looked like throughout each and every day.
I think one of the biggest lessons I learned this summer is that God truly is powerful, but we make the mistake of simply saying it and then waiting for something to happen – waiting for Him to intervene. The truth is that His power lies in His Word when it’s lived out in daily life. God’s mercies ARE new every morning, but unless we take up our cross and decide to demonstrate that to the world then nobody is going to see it because the power of God lies waiting to be used in you and me. I only wish that I could convey in words the power that I felt inside myself every time I chose to show mercy and grace, to offer love once again when I didn’t think I could, and to reach out in an act of kindness when it was undeserved and I was far too spent. And that power and passion only grew the more I gave even though I was often ten times as tired as I was the time before. It’s real, and it’s out there, God’s just waiting for you to create the pathway. So I encourage you to take your circumstances and search the Bible until you find the verse that tells you in which way you are supposed to take up your cross and follow Him.
It’s been awhile. I’ve been trying to snap back into the mode of things, and blogging is one of those things I need to get back into the habit of doing. It’s crazy to be starting another school year again. In a lot of ways it’s been hard to be back and refocus my life from the summer, but on the other hand I’m excited to take what I’ve learned from the summer and start living life with a new perspective. One of the things I’ve been thinking about is my walk with God and what it has been in the past compared to what it was this summer. My normal routine used to be spending some time reading my Bible and praying every day, going to Bible studies and church, and trying to keep my day with somewhat of a consideration of Him. But coming back to school, I’ve been thinking about how living out my faith this summer made so much more of an impact on my heart and soul and view of God than any of the 30 minutes I’ve ever spent reading the Bible. I learned about and was moved my God’s heart because of what I saw Him doing in me rather than what I read on paper. So this year I’m going to focus in on getting to know people, getting involved in lives, and seeing what God would have for me there. And sure, I’ll still be reading my Bible and spending time with God, but that alone doesn’t suffice for what this Christian life is about. That’s not what deteremines whether you’re spiritually ok or not that day. The Word of God is living, and I think I’ve misunderstood what that really means. It’s not about just reading some verses and letting them touch your heart, it’s about being what that verse says to the next person you meet and trusting that what God says is true. I want to be present with people and actually BE the Bible verses I read about instead of just having to fall back on reminding people about what they say. There’s so much more power and closeness to our King when we step out and act – when we reach out and decide to be the grace, mercy, love, and truth that this world needs.
Today as I sang about being the generation who will dance and shout, who will not be silent anymore, and who will be ready for the return of the King, I wondered if it would actually be a reality in the lives of the thousand students who sang with me. And as I looked around the auditorium at all the outstretched hands and closed eyes who in earnesty want that for their lives, I couldn’t help but noticed the bowed head of our chaplain who stood off to the side of the stage. I started to think about how much more he must want it; how he has served generation after generation - each year wondering if this will be the year revival breaks loose in the hearts of students. There was so much beauty in his weary soul, and I can only imagine that the earnesty behind his prayer was tens of thousands of times more desiring than that of all us students combined. How much more does he long to see the power of God come down and move hearts. He has been so faithful, and my guess is that he only hopes the generation that was before him today will have the strength to follow in his steps. Whether revival comes in the small stirrings of each of our hearts or if it comes in a whirlwind of power and conviction, I don’t suppose it really matters, what matters is that our hearts are changed and that the words we sing become a reality in the lives we live.
Being so sick has somewhat given me an opportunity to get farther along in my goal this year to read the entire Bible. I’d like to say that it has hugely helped, but to be honest in the past four days that I’ve been in bed I’ve probably only spent a total of an hour and half reading. Regardless, today I was reading in Mark and as Jesus was talking he turned to the Sadducees and said, “He is not the God of the dead, but of the living; you are greatly mistaken.” You are greatly mistaken. I can’t help but ask how mistaken am I in regards to God being the God of the living. I think we fall so short of really believing His Spirit is alive and within us; that He is with us with power and is mighty to save, and not just save us from Hell but to save us from ourselves and who we’ve become. But we are greatly mistaken. Our God is a God of the living – those who breathe and give life to others. A God of the living……. It only leaves me to ask myself in what all am I mistaken. How much do I live without giving off the vibe that my God is the God of the living, here to overcome, here to renew souls, here to change the world. What would change if we were only right in this one area, if we, above all else, were certain that our God was the God of the living? So much. So much would change. So why don’t we venture to seek that understanding……
During chapel today we were singing about being in the presence of God and my mind turned to the friends of mine who have died and how they are now standing in the presence of the God to whom I was singing. It was a thought that connected me more to the reality of my faith and the God I serve. I know people who stand in the presence of God. What an incredible thought. all I could think of was the young thirteen year old girl who did nothing but love people while on earth and only wanted to go to heaven for the chance to play soccer once in her life, a young father of three children and husband to a beautiful wife standing in the presence of God worshiping Him as never before, an old man who has known nothing but poverty and is the first among his people to ever enter the kingdom of God – all lives I once knew, and now they are in a place where they know and understand the mystery of the Great Godwe live for. Imagining them in Glory helped connect me to the life I attempt to live here and the God I so blindly try to serve. I feel so small and yet I know that I have the privilege to be apart of something so incredibly huge. How do I ever lose sight of that and let stupid worries come in the way?
For one of my classes I have to record every day when I was inspired and moments when I was bored and what I did with it. It’s interesting to see how much the two go hand in hand. Boredom seems to send me in the opposite direction of inspiration, and the things I find to do when I’m bored also seem to lead away from being inspired. On the other hand, as I look for things to inspire me throughout the day, I find that it makes me want to live more fully and be better engaged in life. Taking notice of both my inspiration and boredom has been a great challenge as it forces me to see how I’m living my life from day to day. You would never guess how much we fill our lives with meaningless, deadening things simply because we want to escape being bored. And yet, the option to be inspired is equally their, but because we don’t realize it we let the moments pass us by. And the result is that we spend our days filling our time simpy to fill it, when really a moment spent in thought, a minute given in conversation, ten minutes spent reading, or an ear given wholly to a song could lift our hearts, inspire our souls, and send us striving for a higher calling. I’m challenged to choose the better things in life….
After reading about Paul’s life throughout the book of Acts, I can only wonder at his faith. Going through all that he did during his missionary journeys and then ending in Jerusalem where he was thrown in jail and endured years of a court process, and still he never once wavered. What struck me the most was the night Jesus visited Paul in prison and told him he would be going to Rome. It only takes up one verse and the rest of the chapter goes on about his trials and imprisonment – ending with him sitting in jail for two more years. After awhile Paul is brought out for a new trial and he proceeds to give a long speech declaring his innocense. But at the end of the speech he appeals to Ceaser which means he has no chance of going free until he has seen Ceaser. It’s incredible that instead of being focused on his release from prison, Paul was focused on getting to Rome simply because Jesus had told him to go there. And despite having two years pass, Paul remebered Christ’s wish and he took the first opportunity given him to go to Rome. It’s such a testimony to keeping Christ our vision and passion and being willing to wait. For over two years Paul never forgot Jesus’s statement that he would be going to Rome, and he remained faithful to that. It’s so easy to give up when we don’t see something working out and say that it must have not been God’s will to begin with. I’m challenged to wait and then grab the opportunities when they present themselves. In the end, I wonder what Paul gained by sitting in prison for those two years. We see it as a waste of a man of God, but obviously God didn’t.
Lately, I’ve noticed the fad of people deciding they’re going to be vegetarian or vegan, or they’re not eating meat, or not eating carbs…..the list goes on. I’ve never really thought twice of these decisions before; but lately, whenever I hear someone make a statement about what they’ve chosen to take out of their diet, I tend to cringe. I just want to turn and tell them that I hope they take seriously their ability to choose what they will not eat. I just think of people who are starving all across the world who would give anything for some form of nutrition. How arrogant to think that we can freely decide to cast things out of our diet without thinking of the immense privelege we have of choosing what not to eat. I know I’m guilty, and I only hope that I can be truly thankful every time I bow my head for a meal.
I’m tired of school, classes, and the same old thing all the time. I wish I could snap out of it because I’ve loved all my years in college and it would be a shame to go out just ready to be done. I’m trying. I’m trying to get excited about life and just enjoy the small things instead of criticizing the big things. I just need to let everything go and enjoy life again. Enjoy the moments that are here now, instead of wondering what’s to come. And in the mean time, classes aren’t hard… I can suck it up for a few hours each week. I just need to get my head screwed on straight. It’s so easy to get in a downwards spiral, and I think I’ve been caught up in one lately.
I read a verse the other day (sorry, I don’t remember where it was) that said God has is a righteous judge and He has indignation every day. I can’t imagine being the Creator of all things and having indignation every day at what was going on in the tiny place called earth. And I know I’m not meant to be able to imagine such things, but it just reminds me that God puts up with so much. The thought that He has indignation every day is both comforting and terrifying. I’m comforted knowing He has indignation for all the suffering in the world, and that His heart yearns to heal and comfort those who have lived lives far from what He intended. But I am terrified to think that I have caused God to be indignant by the way I have treated others or by the way I have distanced myself from all those who cry out. You see, I do not even hear their cries I am so far away. I live in the land of comfort. If nothing else, the fear of God is struck in my heart when I remember that He is indignant every day. And I suppose I could not bear it if I knew all that He was indignant about. But I think about David and his cry in Ps. 51. Surely God was indignant over that situation, and David reminds me of God’s grace and mercy that exists alongside His indignation and judgements. I am thankful our God is just and that His heart cries out at injustice. I pray that I always remember my position in this world and that if anything I am closer to provoking God’s indignation than I am to being the victim over which He grieves.
I haven’t taken the time to listen to music pretty much all semester. Come to think of it, I didn’t have music all summer or the semester before that either. It’s something I’ve thought about, but never really took the time to care. But yesterday as I was sitting in my room, not really coherent enough to continue homework but not tired enough to sleep, I decided to just lay down, turned off the lights, and put on some music that hadn’t been listened to in over a year. It didn’t take more than a song to set me free from this cave I’ve been living in. Talk about food for the soul. To hear all that God has done for me over and over with such passion lifted a burden I’ve been trying to get rid of for quite some time. I found the food I’d been starving for. I was reminded of the love of God has for me, of the price Christ paid for me, and the life He has given me.
The funny thing is, is that as the songs played it was like a power point from the summer came flooding into my head, and I watched all the times I stood as an advocate for a girl in trouble or knelt on the ground for another round of punishments. And as the songs of all that Christ has done for me played I understood so much more of what that really looks like and burdens of who I need to be or what I need to do just seemed to roll off. He’s done it all and simply asks me to stand in His freedom and just be. It was most certainly a gift from Heaven, and I am so grateful for our God.
Before the Throne of God above… I have a strong and perfect plea…
A great high priest whose name is Love…who ever lives and pleads for me…
My name is written on His hands…my name is graven on His heart…
I know that while in Heaven he stands no tongue can bid me thus depart…
Because the sinless Savior died…my sinful soul is counted free…
For God the Just is satisfied…to look on Him and pardon me…
to look on Him and pardon me…..
I have often thought that the purpose of church has long been forgotten. The gathering of the saints to encourage and admonish each other in their faith now seems to have changed to a center staged mini concert followed by a speaker we judge if his message is not properly entertaining. I guess my real view of church isn’t really so harsh, but I have thought that we miss so much by coming in at 11:15, simply watching the service while mildly participating in a song or two, and then exiting as soon as the closing prayer is said. The rich fellowship and encouragement rarely exists in the gatherings on Sunday mornings.
Lately I’ve been proven wrong. The last several weeks and months our pastor has invited the congregation to come to the front and pray during different services. And on different Sundays as I’ve watched men and women, both young and old, gather at the altar to pray, I’ve been touched as to what the body of Christ can really look like. To watch as before the throne of God people gather together as one to pray over each other, wipe tears, and sit in silence together as one body is moving to say the least. Yesterday as we filled the aisles to take communion I watched in awe as different members returned to their seats to stand and sing and praise a God who sometimes cannot be worshiped sitting down. It was incredible to see the sanctuary filled with people in worship, the majority sitting with heads bowed, and a handful standing with arms raised high. I stood in awe of my God not because the songs themselves were resonating with some aspect of my life, but because my fellow brothers and sisters were so moved by an awesome God that they could not resist the urge to stand and boldly praise Him. Being in that gathering together on Sunday brought to be the true meaning of the freedom to worship. And it has ought so much hope to my heart that Christ’s bride will truly be presented as wholly united and beautiful some day. I can’t wait to stand before the throne of God with all the nations worshiping in freedom and love to the good God who has reached down and saved us.
I just finished reading through Genesis, and I can’t help but stand amazed by the men who first walked the earth with God. I know all the stories from years and years of sunday school and Bible classes, but I get something totally different by reading them from the Bible myself. I love seeing how they walked and talked with God. I love seeing how they saw God’s hand in everything, how in moments of weakness they simply pleaded to God and told Him the state of their heart and their fears. I love how God always listened to them. It’s so evident that every time, regardless of the story, man has an every true understanding of who he is in relation to God and who God is in relation to him, and God always has a compassionate understanding of man and his desolate state. The roles are so clear and so respected. Several times I found the man of the story contradicting or standing up to what God has just told him, yet somehow it is evident that he is not doing it out of spirit of arrogance, but rather a spirit of weakness and humility. And God always listens and demonstrates compassion and mercy. I’m awed and jealous of the way they knew God and how they understood the basis of their interaction with Him. I long for my life to just be one where I walk with God and understand His ways, to go when He says to go and to act when He says to act, but to always have a never ending acuteness of His presence. Sometimes I wonder if we’ve ruined our chances of such a life by the concrete and plastic world we’ve built for ourselves. How can you stand in awe of an Almighty God and be ever aware of your own weakness and insignificance when you only ever see the world you’ve built for yourself and are the commander of every moment of every day?
I’ve been spending a lot of time just being with other people lately, and it’s been absolutely wonderful. I think my best days are those where the majority of my time is spent relaxing or talking with friends. There’s something about continually being in each other’s presence and sharing life together that feeds the soul. It’s been so good to share dreams and fears, struggles and excitement, and then just wait and see what God has planned. It’s just been a blessing.
And Brian comes home from Haiti today, and I’m super excited about that. It’s so good to be excited about things and life.
I haven’t written in a while. I’ve realized I feel less and less inclined to write the more I find out people actually read this. It’s the opposite of how it’s supposed to work – I should want to write more the more people read it – but it’s ok, I find myself being opposite in a lot of things in life.
Anyways, what I originally wanted to write, is that I want to start finding the joyful things in life. It’s so easy for me to be critical or wish things were different – that we served God more, understood Him more, gave Him more of our lives, that we were more forgiving. But being critical doesn’t change anything, and so I’ve decided to challenge myself finding joy and pleasure in every day for the next month. And I’m writing it on here because it will keep me accountable.
So for today:
I’ve found great joy in thinking about Christ’s death on earth. This Easter has been more real to me than any other Easter I can remember. I’ve just spend a lot of time thinking about how the Holy week progressed so many years ago. Christ’s death, the fear in the disciples, and then the great resurrection. It was the climax in earth’s story – God’s redemption finally came and it was finished and Jesus was faithful in carrying it out. And now we live knowing it has happened – that part of the story is answered – and we continue to celebrate it every year waiting for the final chapter to come along.
I find that I always need to come back and look at the world’s story as a whole. It helps me regain perspective and know that I’m truly living for something and that I’m just called to be faithful – like Christ was so many years ago.
So I hope this Easter you remember the universe’s great story of when faithfulness and grace came down and redeemed all of humanity for the glory of our Great God. And remember that He’s coming again and we can be faithful until then….
I’m already one day behind on my self challenge, but I will ignore that fact and move forward. So today I will be posting two thoughts that have brought joy to my heart. This one’s for yesterday:
I’ve come to realize how much joy I’ve found in community. Brian and I spent Easter first with a random group of professors, faculty members, students, and family members who had all gathered to share a potluck dinner. It was great to just sit and commune with people from all ages and walks of life. I thoroughly enjoyed it and realized how great it is do things in community.
From there we left and went to visit family. Neither Brian nor my immediate family happened to be around, but we enjoyed spending time with aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents – it was relaxing and comfortable. And it’s funny that the people in that room lived life together about as much as the group of professors from first gathering, and yet both atmospheres were just pleasant and enjoyable.
I have been very blessed with community and people who enjoy each other’s presence. I’m glad God has made us to live with each other.
Today I sat reading Psalms and wishing I could connect just a little bit more with God. I wished that I could just feel His power and the aliveness of His spirit. I was quite downhearted and expected to be ending my already short and rushed devotional with little encouragement or connection to the God I so long to serve faithfully. I was finishing up the last Psalm and God’s gift sat there silently in the last verse. It said:
“revive us and give us life and we will call upon Your name. Restores us, O Lord God of hosts; cause Your face to shine in pleasure, approval, and favor on us, and we shall be saved!” Ps. 80
I just sat there and thought about how I wish that I was more excited about life and that any effort I give towards it is like trying to climb up a muddy hill when it’s raining. And there God was saying that life comes from Him, and all He has to do is choose to turn is face toward us and favor will be upon us. And I felt such relief and knowing that joy and life come from Him and His light, and I don’t have to strive to get it or make it happen. It was such a blessing to read and I just feel like God plopped that verse into my lap as a present to roll away the burden I feel to make myself joyful and excited about life. God is good. He is very good to us. And that makes me happy.
