Times of old….

I just finished reading through Genesis, and I can’t help but stand amazed by the men who first walked the earth with God. I know all the stories from years and years of sunday school and Bible classes, but I get something totally different by reading them from the Bible myself. I love seeing how they walked and talked with God. I love seeing how they saw God’s hand in everything, how in moments of weakness they simply pleaded to God and told Him the state of their heart and their fears. I love how God always listened to them. It’s so evident that every time, regardless of the story, man has an every true understanding of who he is in relation to God and who God is in relation to him, and God always has a compassionate understanding of man and his desolate state.  The roles are so clear and so respected. Several times I found the man of the story contradicting or standing up to what God has just told him, yet somehow it is evident that he is not doing it out of spirit of arrogance, but rather a spirit of weakness and humility. And God always listens and demonstrates compassion and mercy. I’m awed and jealous of the way they knew God and how they understood the basis of their interaction with Him. I long for my life to just be one where I walk with God and understand His ways, to go when He says to go and to act when He says to act, but to always have a never ending acuteness of  His presence. Sometimes I wonder if we’ve ruined our chances of such a life by the concrete and plastic world we’ve built for ourselves. How can you stand in awe of an Almighty God and be ever aware of your own weakness and insignificance when you only ever see the world you’ve built for yourself and are the commander of every moment of every day?

freedom to worship….

I have often thought that the purpose of church has long been forgotten. The gathering of the saints to encourage and admonish each other in their faith now seems to have changed to a center staged mini concert followed by a speaker we judge if his message is not properly entertaining.  I guess my real view of church isn’t really so harsh, but I have thought that we miss so much by coming in at 11:15, simply watching the service while mildly participating in a song or two, and then exiting as soon as the closing prayer is said.  The rich fellowship and encouragement rarely exists in the gatherings on Sunday mornings.
Lately I’ve been proven wrong. The last several weeks and months our pastor has invited the congregation to come to the front and pray during different services. And on different Sundays as I’ve watched men and women, both young and old, gather at the altar to pray, I’ve been touched as to what the body of Christ can really look like. To watch as before the throne of God people gather together as one to  pray over each other, wipe tears, and sit in silence together as one body is moving to say the least. Yesterday as we filled the aisles to take communion I watched in awe as different members returned to their seats to stand and sing and praise a God who sometimes cannot be worshiped sitting down.  It was incredible to see the sanctuary filled with people in worship, the majority sitting with heads bowed, and a handful standing with arms raised high. I stood in awe of my God not because the songs themselves were resonating with some aspect of my life, but because my fellow brothers and sisters were so moved by an awesome God that they could not resist the urge to stand and boldly praise Him.  Being in that gathering together on Sunday brought to be the true meaning of the freedom to worship.  And it has ought so much hope to my heart that Christ’s bride will truly be presented as wholly united and beautiful some day. I can’t wait to stand before the throne of God with all the nations worshiping in freedom and love to the good God who has reached down and saved us.

a strong and perfect plea….

I haven’t taken the time to listen to music pretty much all semester. Come to think of it, I didn’t have music all summer or the semester before that either. It’s something I’ve thought about, but never really took the time to care. But yesterday as I was sitting in my room, not really coherent enough to continue homework but not tired enough to sleep, I decided to just lay down, turned off the lights, and put on some music that  hadn’t been listened to in over a year.  It didn’t take more than a song to set me free from this cave I’ve been living in.  Talk about food for the soul. To hear all that  God has done for me over and over with such passion lifted a burden I’ve been trying to get rid of for quite some time. I found the food I’d been starving for. I was reminded of the love of God has for me, of the price Christ paid for me, and the life He has given me.
The funny thing is, is that as the songs played it was like a power point from the summer came flooding into my head, and I watched all the times I stood as an advocate for a girl in trouble or knelt on the ground for another round of punishments. And as the songs of all that Christ has done for me played I understood so much more of what that really looks like and burdens of who I need to be or what I need to do just seemed to roll off. He’s done it all and simply asks me to stand in His freedom and just be. It was most certainly a gift from Heaven, and I am so grateful for our God.

Before the Throne of God above… I have a strong and perfect plea…
A great high priest whose name is Love…who ever lives and pleads for me…
My name is written on His hands…my name is graven on His heart…
I know that while in Heaven he stands no tongue can bid me thus depart…
Because the sinless Savior died…my sinful soul is counted free…
For God the Just is satisfied…to look on Him and pardon me…
to look on Him and pardon me…..

indignation….

I read a verse the other day (sorry, I don’t remember where it was) that said God has is a righteous judge and He has indignation every day. I can’t imagine being the Creator of all things and having indignation every day at what was going on in the tiny place called earth. And I know I’m not meant to be able to imagine such things, but it just reminds me that God puts up with so much. The thought that He has indignation every day is both comforting and terrifying. I’m comforted knowing He has indignation for all the suffering in the world, and that  His heart yearns to heal and comfort those who have lived lives far from what He intended. But I am terrified to think that I have caused God to be indignant by the way I have treated others or by the way  I have distanced myself from all those who cry out. You see, I do not even hear their cries I am so far away. I live in the land of comfort. If nothing else, the fear of God is struck in my heart when I remember that He is indignant every day.  And I suppose I could not bear it if I knew all that He was indignant about. But I think about David and his cry in Ps. 51. Surely God was indignant over that situation, and David reminds me of God’s grace and mercy that exists alongside His indignation and judgements. I am thankful our God is just and that His heart cries out at injustice. I pray that I always remember my position in this world and that if anything I am closer to provoking God’s indignation than I am to being the victim over which He grieves.

tired….

I’m tired of school, classes, and the same old thing all the time. I wish I could snap out of it because I’ve loved all my years in college and it would be a shame to go out just ready to be done. I’m trying. I’m trying to get excited about life and just enjoy the small things instead of criticizing the big things. I just need to let everything go and enjoy life again. Enjoy the moments that are here now, instead of wondering what’s to come. And in the mean time, classes aren’t hard… I can suck it up for a few hours each week. I just need to get my head screwed on straight. It’s so easy to get in a downwards spiral, and I think I’ve been caught up in one lately.

arrogance….

Lately, I’ve noticed the fad of people deciding they’re going to be vegetarian or vegan, or they’re not eating meat, or not eating carbs…..the list goes on. I’ve never really thought twice of  these decisions before; but lately, whenever I hear someone make a statement about what they’ve chosen to take out of their diet, I tend to cringe. I just want to turn and tell them that I hope they take seriously their ability to choose what they will not eat. I just think of people who are starving  all across the world who would give anything for some form of nutrition. How arrogant to think that we can freely decide to cast things out of our diet without thinking of the immense privelege we have of choosing what not to eat. I know I’m guilty, and I only hope that I can be truly thankful every time I bow my head for a meal.

going to rome….

After reading about Paul’s life throughout the book of Acts, I can only wonder at his faith. Going through all that he did during  his missionary journeys and then ending in Jerusalem where he was thrown in jail and endured years of a court process, and still he never once wavered. What struck me the most was the night Jesus visited Paul in prison and told him he would be going to Rome. It only takes up one verse and the rest of the chapter goes on about his trials and imprisonment –  ending with him sitting in jail for two more years. After awhile Paul is brought out for a new trial and he proceeds to give a long speech declaring his innocense. But at the end of the speech he appeals to Ceaser which means he has no chance of going free until he has seen Ceaser. It’s incredible that instead of being focused on his release from prison, Paul was focused on getting to Rome simply because Jesus had told him to go there.  And despite having two years pass, Paul remebered Christ’s wish and he took the first opportunity given him to go to Rome. It’s such a testimony to keeping Christ our vision and passion and being willing to wait.  For over two years Paul never forgot Jesus’s statement that he would be going to Rome, and he remained faithful to that. It’s so easy to give up when we don’t see something working out and say that it must have not been God’s will to begin with. I’m challenged to wait  and then  grab the opportunities when they present themselves. In the end, I wonder what Paul gained by sitting in prison for those two years. We see it as a waste of a man of God, but obviously God didn’t.

assignments on life….

For one of my classes I have to record every day when I was inspired and moments when I was bored and what I did with it. It’s interesting to see how much the two go hand in hand. Boredom seems to send me in the opposite direction of inspiration, and the things I find to do when I’m bored also seem to lead away from being inspired. On the other hand, as I look for things to inspire me throughout the day, I find that it makes me want to live more fully and be better engaged in life.  Taking notice of both my inspiration and boredom has been a great challenge as it forces me to see how I’m living my life from day to day. You would never guess how much we fill our lives with meaningless, deadening things simply because we want to escape being bored. And yet, the option to be inspired is equally their, but because we don’t realize it we let the moments pass us by. And the result is that we spend our days filling our time simpy to fill it, when really a moment spent in thought, a minute given in conversation, ten minutes spent reading, or an ear given wholly to a song could lift our hearts, inspire our souls, and send us striving for a higher calling. I’m challenged to choose the better things in life….

connecting to eternity….

During chapel today we were singing about being in the presence of God and my mind turned to the friends of mine who have died and how they are now standing in the presence of the God to whom I was singing. It was a thought that connected me more to the reality of my faith and the God I serve. I know people who stand in the presence of God. What an incredible thought. all I could think of was the young thirteen year old girl who did nothing but love people while on earth and only wanted to go to heaven for the chance to play soccer once in her life, a young father of three children and husband to a beautiful wife standing in the presence of God worshiping Him as never before, an old man who has known nothing but poverty and is the first among his people to ever enter the kingdom of God – all lives I once knew, and now they are in a place where they know and understand the mystery of the Great Godwe live for.  Imagining them in Glory helped connect me to the life I attempt to live here and the God I so blindly try to serve. I feel so small and yet I know that I have the privilege to be apart of something so incredibly huge. How do I ever lose sight of that and let stupid worries come in the way?

the living….

Being so sick has somewhat given me an opportunity to get farther along in my goal this year to read the entire Bible. I’d like to say that it has hugely helped, but to be honest in the past four days that I’ve been in bed I’ve probably only spent a total of an hour and half reading. Regardless, today I was reading in Mark and as Jesus was talking he turned to the Sadducees and said, “He is not the God of the dead, but of the living; you are greatly mistaken.” You are greatly mistaken. I can’t help but ask how mistaken am I in regards to God being the God of the living. I think we fall so short of really believing His Spirit is alive and within us; that He is with us with power and is mighty to save, and not just save us from Hell but to save us from ourselves and who we’ve become.  But we are greatly mistaken. Our God is a God of the living – those who breathe and give life to others. A God of the living……. It only leaves me to ask myself in what all am I mistaken. How much do I live without giving off the vibe that my God is the God of the living, here to overcome, here to renew souls, here to change the world. What would change if we were only right in this one area, if we, above all else, were certain that our God was the God of the living?  So much. So much would change. So why don’t we venture to seek that understanding……

revival….

Today as I sang about being the generation who will dance and shout, who will not be silent anymore, and who will be ready for the return of the King, I wondered if it would actually be a reality in the lives of the thousand students who sang with me.  And as I looked around the auditorium at all the outstretched  hands and closed eyes who in earnesty want that for their lives, I couldn’t help but noticed the bowed head of our chaplain who stood off to the side of the stage. I started to think about how much more he must want it; how he has served generation after generation - each year wondering if this will be the year revival breaks loose in the hearts of students.  There was so much beauty in his weary soul, and I can only imagine that the earnesty behind his prayer was tens of thousands of times more desiring than that of all us students combined.  How much more does he long to see the power of God come down and move hearts. He has been so faithful, and my guess is that he only hopes  the generation that was before him today will have the strength to follow in his steps. Whether revival comes in the small stirrings of each of our hearts or if it comes in a whirlwind of power and conviction, I don’t suppose it really matters, what matters is that our hearts are changed and that the words we sing become a reality in the lives we live.

once again….

It’s been awhile. I’ve been trying to snap back into the mode of things, and blogging is one of those things I need to get back into the habit of doing. It’s crazy to be starting  another school year again. In a lot of ways it’s been hard to be back and refocus my life from the summer, but  on the other hand I’m excited to take what I’ve learned from the summer and start living life with a new perspective. One of the things I’ve been thinking about is my walk with God and what it has been in the past compared to what it was this summer. My normal routine used to be  spending some time reading my Bible and praying every day, going to Bible studies and church, and trying to keep my day with somewhat of a consideration of Him. But coming back to school, I’ve been thinking about how living out my faith this summer made so much more of an impact on my heart and soul and view of God than any of  the 30 minutes I’ve ever spent reading the Bible. I learned about and was moved my God’s heart because of what I saw Him doing  in me rather than what I read on paper. So this year I’m going to focus in on getting to know people, getting involved in lives, and seeing what God would have for me there. And sure, I’ll still be reading my Bible and spending time with God, but that alone doesn’t suffice for what this Christian life is about. That’s not what deteremines whether you’re spiritually ok or not that day.  The Word of God is living, and I think I’ve misunderstood what that really means. It’s not about just reading some verses and letting them touch your heart, it’s about being what that verse says to the next person you meet and trusting that what God says is true. I want to be present with people and actually BE the Bible verses I read about instead of just having to fall back on reminding people about what they say. There’s so much more power and closeness to our King when we step out and act – when we reach out and decide to be the grace, mercy, love, and truth that this world needs.

processing….

As much as I have liked not waking up to “you have 30 seconds to get out of bed!”, girls already complaining that it’s going to be a bad day, and someone freaking out because they’re sick or swollen up again, I do miss waking up to “His mercies are new every morning” being whispered in my ear.  Without fail I woke up to that phrase every day while I was at camp, and since I’ve been back I can’t help know that that is something that I shouldn’t leave behind. I remember that as the days went on I started to think about how cool it was to wake up to that every morning; but as the weeks went on I began to understand the power of what that really looked like throughout each and every day.
I think one of the biggest lessons I learned this summer is that God truly is powerful, but we make the mistake of simply saying it and then waiting for something to happen – waiting for Him to intervene.  The truth is that His power lies in His Word when it’s lived out in daily life. God’s mercies ARE new every morning, but unless we take  up our cross and decide to demonstrate that to the world then nobody is going to see it because the power of God lies waiting to be used in you and me.  I only wish that I could convey in words the power that I felt inside myself every time I chose to show mercy and grace, to offer love once again when I didn’t think I could, and to reach out in an act of kindness when it was undeserved and I was far too spent.  And that power and passion only grew the more I gave even though I was often ten times as tired as I was the time before.  It’s real, and it’s out there, God’s just waiting for you to create the pathway. So I encourage you to take your circumstances and search the Bible until you find the verse that tells you in which way you are supposed to take up your cross and follow Him.

Home….

I’ve been home for less than 24 hours, but my heart and soul are already at rest. Saying goodbye to the girls was hard. When the bus pulled into the parking lot and stopped, I looked around and realized there was no way I could say goodbye to the people around me. God was gracious and I made it through. And now I’m home resting with occasional flash backs from camp coming to my mind. They always bring a smile to my face andI can’t help but think that God is so good. He has taught me so much and I’m so blessed to have been given such an experience. It has by far changed me forever. And I will always love those girls dearly. But rest is still much needed. It’s just good to be home, and good to know that God is still with me and that He always will be.

does the end continue….

Today is my last day off and therefore this will be my last post while still at camp. As I’ve been thinking about camp ending and what it will mean to wrap up this summer experience all I can think about is those war movies where the main character comes home and all he can do is sit in silence and nobody else understands why. But as these last days roll by that is all I want to do. When this all  ends and I step off the bus I wonder how I will go back to normal life. I think I fear that I’ll jump right back in and not have the time to sit down and process the 12 weeks I’ve spent battling for the hearts of these girls, battling for their trust, battling the lies they tell themselves  and have been told by others, battling my own heart, battling my flesh that wanted to take over every day, and battling for what I knew God wanted. You can’t come away from something like that unchanged.
So as I think about it all winding down, all I want to do is just sit for days in silence because the thought of all that has happened and all that I’ve seen just leaves me speechless and in awe – in awe of the pain and horridness that is in this life and in awe of God and the power that lies behind what He has called us to be. I feel like I just need hours and hours to process it all and let it truly sink in. I’m scared that I’ll never sit down and let this summer really become a part of who I am and who I’m becoming, yet I know God is faithful and I trust that He will help me find a way. It has been quite the experience – one of those experiences from which you never recover.

a moment shared….

Every now and then a  moment comes that resonates so deep within my heart that I wish I could just stop time and hold the moment forever. One of the moments that would more than fit that description was created by one of my 17 year old campers who always wears black and looks like she could kill someone at any given moment.  Despite her tough exterior, for about the last three weeks any time she has caught me sitting on the bench in our cabin she scampers over and curls up next to me with her head on my lap. I usually just sit and rub her arm and sometimes we talk and sometimes we don’t. But the other day as we sat there she whispered to me, ” I’ve never felt more loved or safe in my  life as I do in these moments.” Her words brought tears to my eyes. The tears were two fold. First, I couldn’t help but think how sad it was that a young girl had been put through so much pain that she was no longer wanted at home, so she ended up at a horrible work camp in the middle of no-where Canada – and it’s there that she finds her first glimpse of love and safety. The second reason for my tears was that I couldn’t have felt more honored or priveleged to be the one who provided that love and safety.

The next night we had chapel and I was designated to stay behind and wait for the kids who had chosen to stay and pray. I asked if she would stay with me even though she hates chapel and has no desire to seek after God. So she laid down and curled up next to me and cried for the next half hour. I can’t even try to explain what it’s like to be present in a moment like that – for someone to consider you safe enough to share their pain. But it moved me deeply and I wonder how I’m going to be able to say good bye to her in a week.

Finding a hero….

One of the girl’s who has captured my heart this summer loves to write stories, only her stories are filled with tragedy and pain. Early on in the summer she was banned from writing her stories which she says makes her slowly die inside. So a couple of weeks ago I asked her if she still tells herself her stories in her head. When she said she still did, I asked her to do me a favor. I asked her to put a hero in her stories, a hero who would come and save her. As soon as she heard what I said her eyes teared up and she said, ” Yeah, but I’ve never had a hero come in real life.” I told her that if she didn’t let a hero come into her stories, then she would never trust the hero that will one day come in real life.
I didn’t pursue the conversation after that, but a couple of days ago she came running up to me with a story in her hand. She wanted me to burn it, so I asked her if there was anything wrong with it. She said she didn’t think so and that she had put a hero in it. I told her to keep it and later that day she came up  and asked me if I would read it – something she’s never let anyone do. Her story almost brought tears to my eyes. Her hero was full of love and compassion and wanted to show her what love really looked like. It gave me hope  that one day she will let someone like that in, that she will have the strength to trust them, and that she will finally realize that she is worth loving.

Two weeks notice….

Sorry for my unfaithfulness in blogging. I will say that it can almost be completely blamed on the lack of working internet. I’m rather dissapointed because there are so many stories I have missed by now and there’s no chance of me ever catching up. Anyways, our cabin just got back from canoe camp. It was refreshing to be out on the water every day and soak up the sun for the first time this summer. And it was cool because every day I had the chance to spend time with individual girls and we had some good conversations.  I never cease to be amazed at the opportunities God continues to provide.  This next week is the camp’s spiritual emphasis week, and I’m praying that God will really move in the camper’s hearts. From what I’ve been told the last two weeks are the worst because the campers try and destroy any relationship they’ve built. They’ve had so much hurt in their lives that it’s easier to destroy a relationship than to face saying good bye to someone who matters to them.  I’m kind of wondering how these last two weeks can be any worse than the first ten, but I’m ready for them. And I’m ready to see God work and touch the broken hearts that live in my cabin. If you think about it, be praying for them.

a month to go….

Every time I ride the boat across the lake I think about how one day this boat ride will mean freedom, and that reality finally seems to be in reach. I have one month to go. I haven’t written because my day off this week happened to be almost two weeks from my last day off. Fortunately  for me and my team leader someone decided to crisis every day this week (for those of you who don’t know the fortunately part was pure sarcasm).  It’s good that I’m at the point where I would do anything for these girls. I love them to death which makes it easier to hop from one girl’s crisis over to the next. Last night I had the privelege of sharing the gospel with one girl, only to be inturrupted by another girl who was freaking out in hysteria, after I calmed her down and figured out what was wrong I had to chase down a girl who just decided she was leaving, and later decided she wasn’t moving from the rock she was sitting on. Once I convinced her to go back to the cabin I went and gave a back rub to our youngest who had a migraine and  I ended up sleeping on the floor by her bed because she was sick and she panics when she throws up.  And that was only one evening.  Needless to say I’m exhausted. But I’ll end for now. I do have good news to come, so hopefully the internet will be working later.  much love to you all.

Turning around the corner….

I think I mentioned before that I’m now officially half way through the summer.  Things have been getting slightly better, but up until this weekend I still saw little hope. It’s funny that even though the summer has been challenging with hardly any glimpses of progress, God really put a sense of urgency in my herat this week. I know our time here at camp is short, and it’s going to go by so quickly, and God has placed a fire in my heart that is more ablaze now than it ever has been. I’m desperate not to let a moment slip by and in a strange way I don’t want the summer to end. There’s still so much to be done. So my prayer this past week has been that God would move now like never before and that blind hearts and eyes would be opened.
Yesterday was my first glimpse of this and I cannot tell you the joy and excitement that filled my soul. I had just gotten on with the girls for their evening chores and one of the girls was flipping out about how much she hated the world, the program, and everyone here. Being that we had to keep working and I am constantly being called to run errands, her freaking out was split into five different sessions. It was kind of a good thing because it gave her time to calm down a little bit in between, but being that the sight of anyone ticked her off, it made it difficult to talk. I decided to let her cool down and that night I asked if she wanted to talk. She said only if I wanted to and of course I did (don’t know if that made her mad or glad) so we sat down for the ten minutes we had and she just opened up about everything that was going on. It was so amazing and she asked if we could continue the conversation later when we had more time. I was more that delighted to do that, and I can’t wait for the opportunity.
After she went to bed my team leader walked over to me and handed me a note. My first guess was that it was another illegal note that had been found and therefore another headache to deal with. But as I opened it up I saw that it was a list of questions. One of our girls had written out a list of eight extremely profound questions about God and life. She’s been very against Christianity and with good reason. But her questions were honest and she’s very much seeking. That’s another conversation I can’t wait to have.
So God is moving and it brings tears to my eyes to know that hearts are opening up and that lives truly can be changed. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so honored to be in the place that I am and have the opportunities that are lying before me. All I can do is praise God!

Lady slippers….

Last week our cabin went on a back packing trip that lasted five days. We each had about a 50 pound pack on our back and we hiked anywhere from 4-8 hours a day. We made camp every night, swam in the lake some, and were usually too tired to eat much. Despite the less than wonderful conditions in which we were hiking, there were these flowers along the way called lady slippers which we were to be extremely careful not to trample. They’re very rare (except for where we were hiking of course) and take about 10 years to germinate which makes them more endangered than normal. It just so happens that they were quite plentiful in the area where we were hiking and we not only had to watch out for the flower but for its leaves as well because even though there wasn’t always a flower present, it could still be developing. I admit that I was kind of annoyed that we had to watch out for these flowers especially when they were all over the path. And I thought it was kind of stupid because for one – people are only around that area once a year in the summer, and two – nobody else is really ever there to even see them. But as I started thinking about it, I realized that despite my not caring, these flowers were still part of God’s creation. And I thought about how much caring for these flowers applies to how we treat God’s children. It’s so easy to slightly trample someone and just think they’re going to blow it off and that your carelessness doesn’t really matter. But maybe in the long run, the 14 other hikers behind you thought the same thing and the person’s soul was quickly trampled to death – beyond repair. And really all you needed to do was take the time to step aside and then warn the person behind you of the fragile heart that is in danger. I think we do that a lot to one another. We’re careless and think that one slight remark or one time of ignoring someone won’t make a difference, but we’re never there at the end of the day to look and see the affects of everyone else’s actions that that person had to deal with. I was very much challenged to hold myself accountable to how I speak and react to those around me, and especially to the eleven fragile souls in my cabin. I still don’t care a whole lot about lady slippers, but I guess a good lesson came from it.

update….

This last week we went backpacking as a cabin. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who enjoyed it. I think I can sum up the thoughts of all the cabin through the words of one of our campers, “I don’t see how strapping crap to your back and walking is fun. I just don’t see the fun part in it.”  But at least they now think that camp isn’t the worst place they can be.
As far as my thoughts on camp now that I’m officially half way through, I have to say it’s completely different than I ever thought. I’ve realized that these girls have no desire to build a relationship with anyone because to them it’s just another way to get their hearts broken. They’re just living till they get out and could care less what or who is there in the mean time.  Realizing this and knowing that I have another 6 weeks to serve them leaves me almost at a loss. But I know that faithfulness is what we are called to, so I will continue to be faithful and give until the last day that I am here. I’m hoping and praying that within that time God will open up opportunity and conversations, yet I am content knowing that there are sometimes where we’ll never see the purpose of what we’ve done or why we served.  So I’ll leave asking you to pray that seeds would be planted, even if  they don’t sprout for another ten years. I would just hate for this summer to have been a waste for the eleven girls who live in my cabin.

mercy.love.truth.fidelity.

The attitudes, behaviors, and issues the girl’s in my cabin have are absolutely exhausting. I find myself getting so frustrated that one moment they can be great and the next thing you know they’ve given up and decide to take it out on the world. It’s so easy for me to fall into the mindset that they deserve everything they get when it comes to punishment. But in the end, I wonder if punishing the heck out of them will really do any good. I’ve been here long enough to realize that they don’t really change, they just perform better until they snap again. Regardless in the moments of crisis and frustration all I want is for them to get what they have coming to them. And then the other day God brought a verse to my attention. That day was especially frustrating and I had pretty much had it with one of the girls. The verse I read was in the beginning of Proverbs 16. It said that mercy, love, truth, and fidelity remove iniquity from the heart more than self sacrifice. And I realized that that is my place. I’m the one to bring them mercy, love, truth, and fidelity because it will change their hearts far more than any punishment will. And isn’t it that way in life? Don’t we all just wish that people would get what is coming to them, when instead God would wish that we would reach out with mercy and offer them love. And once they are convinced of that love they will listen to the truth we bring to their lives and then be able to change as we faithfully stand by them as they wade out of their ugly sin. I’m forced into this challenge every day, but I hope you take it up yourself and offer such grace to those around you.

“Escucharte Hablar”

The title refers to one of my favorite songs. It’s all about hearing the voice of God and the translation of the title is “To Hear You Speak.” The other day I had pretty much reached my breaking point.  I had gotten to my afternoon break in total exhaustion and my heart was hardening quick (much like what happens every day, but it was especially dramatic this day). I sat down to read my Bible and I just told God that I had had it and there was no reason for me to stand up for these girls anymore because they deserve everything they get. I started reading and I ended up underlining 4 different verses that all spoke so clearly to my situation and what I should do about it. The power of God’s love and His understanding of His Creation is amazing.  I was so thankful and immediately just started praying for the girls, for my heart and actions, and then I just stopped. And I got down on my knees and thanked God for speaking to my heart because it seems that it has been so long since I’ve heard that still, small, yet clear voice speaking directly to me. I’ve missed it and craved it for the past year and just never seemed to hear it. And here I was, sitting in my tiny loft searching for answers, given an answer, delighted in finally having direction, and yet more than anything overwhelmed with joy at simply knowing that God was speaking to my heart.

“pick up your cross and follow me”….

A week ago from last Sunday our cabin experienced what we call a crisis. I will now forever hate that word. Needless to say, every camper is on a level system and due to horrible behavior seven of them dropped to a level where none of them could talk to each other. While I’m sure this was inconvenient for them, it was more inconvenient for me and my team leader because we have to make sure they don’t talk as well as issue pushups every time they do. Since it was still only the 2nd week of camp, I knew that this power struggle could easily kill any growth we tried to instill. So I told Jamie (my team leader) to issue me all the push ups because deep down these girls have hearts and while they won’t care about doing their own pushups they’d hopefully care about making me do them.
So, Monday morning we start off and right away I’m given 20 pushups. (take note that anytime someone talks I get double the punishment because another person is always involved). The girls caught on to what was happening, but thought they had the afternoon off since we weren’t working with them. But we set it up with their teacher to write down every incident and give us the list at the end of the day. So that night Jamie made everyone go out and sit on the porch and one by one handed out slips of paper that listed the incident and the amount of pushups. Some girls ended up handing me 5 slips, but the point was made and the girls were very affected and apologizing all over the place.
The next morning I woke up and said to God, “I can’t do this. There is no way I can do this again. I need the strength of body and heart.”  Not only is it hard physically, but it’s extremely humiliating to have someone yell at you to drop and give them pushups and then have a crowd just sit and watch. But God gave me the grace I needed and I started off  the morning with 60 exercises. When the girls complained Jamie made them all stand close to me and count them out as a group. It sombered the whole mood and some were asking if they could do them with me or for me. The day continued and again during my time off I knew my list was coming and I just started praying and asking for strength because nothing within me wanted to do it. But God really put it on my heart, so I told Jamie to go for it again. When we had all the girls circle around that night they really started protesting and asking if they could do them with me. Jamie told them they could do them but they either had to do all or none and either the whole cabin had to do them or nobody could do them with me. Most of the girls got down on the floor with me, and our youngest yelled out, “That means everybody gets down.” So we did all the exercises together as a team.
I’d like to say that they whole idea was a profound thing and that it really made a difference, but that wouldn’t be true. If nothing else, it eliminated the power struggle for the first half of the week, but once the girls realized what was happening they kind of hardened their hearts. As for me, it spoke volumes.  I learned so much about Christ’s attitude toward us and the humility it takes to truly serve and love others. It gave me a glimpse of His heart and I understood a little bit better the road He traveled. It takes a lot to be so self-seacrificing and  have people take it for granted. But more than anything I learned the freedom with which Christ loves us.  Such an incredible thing to begin to understand. Here I’ve been, paying the punishment for all the rebellious and careless actions they take and it leaves us in the position where they have nothing whatsoever to offer me and I have everything to offer them. And it brought me to a place where love flowed so freely and openly from my heart because I was struggling to give them everything that I had with absolutely no other reason to give but that I loved them. And I realized that that is Christ’s attitude towards me and you – and it’s absolutely freeing.

giving….

I know I’m posting this on the same day as my last post, but my internet use is extremely limited and unpredictable. And along with the fun, I wanted to tell you about what this job is doing for my heart as well. The main goal of this camp is to get kids out of their comfort zone and bring them to circumstances that will basically cause them to freak out and crisis so that we as staff can intervene and teach and model better coping mechanisms. It’s basically set up to be extremely difficult so that the kids can’t help but react which gives the staff a place to start working with them. So my job is mainly to just build relationships with the girls and make them feel like someone is on their side and rooting for them. And as I’ve gone throughout the days I’ve realized that I have never been presented with such an opportunity to give self-lessly. These kids are so broken, distrusting, rejected, and troubled that they don’t know how to interact with life nor see anything beyond themselves.  So I make it my goal to find every opportunity I can to give to them because it speaks so loudly.  I don’t know that I’ve ever found such pleasure from giving as I have in the last couple of weeks.  Whether it’s befriending the girl who just knocked me of the boardwalk, sleeping on the floor next to a girl’s bed because she has nightmares, hanging up laundry with them, taking their laundry all down in my time off, offering them starburts on a hard day, helping them with their chores, or taking their punishments for them, I’ve found great joy in serving these girls and I can’t wait till I know them better and understand more ways in which I can offer myself. I never knew that I could ever go to bed and look back on my day and count it good because I gave goodness to those who gave me the exact opposite. God truly is working in my heart and I pray that I don’t grow weary. So, if you think of it, pray for strength and a clear mind for me. I don’t want to loose heart and I want to see more clearly what will really reach these girls where they need to be met. I know God will move this summer and maybe it will be more in my heart than in the hearts of the girls I’m with.

dock challenge….

So here at camp there is a lovely tradition that whenever a birthday or other certain even occurs (that of which I will not say because I know my friends will use it against me) the staff or camper involved must participate in a dock challenge. A dock challenge is a fight on a floating dock (which is not very sturdy and tips) where the student or staff member chooses someone else to fight with until one of the two is thrown into the lake.  It just so happens that yesterday my dear family and boyfriend got together and ensured that I would be sent to a dock challenge. So after dinner (in my button down shirt and nice jeans) I had to challenge someone to fight me on the dock. I chose a camper from my cabin who I’ve gotten along with well the last week or so. She was less than thrilled but decided her tactic would be to just grab on to me and ensure we were both going in. We ended up rolling around on the dock for quite a while. She was holding on to me for dear life as I used every wrestling move I knew to get out of her holds. We finally rolled close enough to the edge of the dock that when I peeled her hands from around my neck I was able to push her into the water. And by that time I had skinned the tops of my feet and turned my knees very black and blue. So then since I had won I was lucky enough to challenge another person. Needless to say, she got me in with not so long of a fight. And I found out how horrible lake showers really were for all my campers. The water sent my body into near shock and I struggled to even swim to the water’s edge. But it was a good time, and I think it helped me connect with the girls which is always a good thing.

camp…

To all of those who realize I have internet access and didn’t get an email from you, I apologize. I gigured it will be easiiest to updaye you all this way bceause the internet is too slow to even begin writing everyone. But camp is good and my stories will be limited due to confidentiality, but I can tell you it will be one challenging yet amazing summer. I have 10 girls in my cabin and I love them all. Three of them just arrived yesterday and are getting used to the idea of a rugged camp life for 10 weeks as their parents told them it was going to be a lot more fun than it actually is. But as hard as it is (with outhouses, no electricity, lake showers in freezing cold rain, and heavy work all day long) we make due  with what we have. Humor helps and I can’t help but laugh when the girls start singing “it’s a hard enough life” from the movie Annie or “It’s a sad day after all” to the tune of  It’s a small world. They’ll make the best of it and I think that in the end we’ll all find the summer worth while. Although I will admit, when I first arrived here I thought “if I was sent here I would try to run away every day.” But I just kept praying and God has really encouraged me and I know this is where I should be (even though today was my first shower in 4 days). But know that I miss and love you all and I wish you the best this summer. I’ll try to update this as often as possible, but my contact will be extremely limited – more so than I thought.  But live blessed and give your summer to God regardless of circumstances because you could always be stuck in the middle of no-where  Canada, swarmed by mosquitos in the freezing rain, cleaning up the forest ground that is truly an endless job, while monitoring 10 drama queen, unhappy teenage girls. Haha, no but seriously, I will love my job and I’m excited for what God has. I love you all and to Brian – happy one year. It’s been great and I can’t wait for the year to come.

hard to love…

Today I was thinking about people who we say are hard to love.  I’ve heard the question posed many times.  “What kind of person is the hardest for you to love?” “Why is that?” I think we all have our answers and can come up with what everyone considers a legitimate reason as to why it’s understandable. I mean when you think of it, it’s easy to find an excuse as to why you can’t love someone because we’re all fault-filled. We just find the fault we dislike the most and then point to the people who have it. But as I thought about it, I realized how invalid any answer really is. When it comes down to it, the person who is hardest to love either makes us feel uncomfortable, unappreciated, contaminated, that our own pride is threatened, or something along those lines. It has nothing to do with that person, but rather with ourselves. All we’re really saying is that we can’t get past ourselves and our own self-love to reach out to a person like “that”.  Really what we’re saying is that whatever fault those people possess is particularly threatening to us  and we retreat for self-protection, but we point to them as the cause so that we don’t have to look at our own insecurities and see that we’re really the ones who need to change. I’m challenged to find the next person I can who is “hard to love” and find what insecurity is lying beneath, for Christ called us to love all people and He doesn’t command the impossible. All people are lovable, our self-love is just too great.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in LOVE.
Eph. 4:2

Thoughts…

I started typing a post, but realized no good would come out of it. My mind went to a better answer, one of my favorite verses, “Be still and know that I am God…”  For some reason I feel as though I can’t do that right now. More like I don’t know how. I’m so ill at ease and don’t know why. Is it myself or is it just life. I wish I knew.

Rest

I’ve been busy since the middle of July and I have yet to stop and rest.  This week I’ve been sick pretty much every day, and I finally realized I just needed to stop. So today I wrote all my professors and told them I wouldn’t be making it to class. I did go to chapel because one of my favorite speakers was speaking. But after chapel I went back to my room and slept. What struck me more than the physical rest was the spiritual rest I felt. As I laid my head down thoughts of being covered in the love and mercy of Jesus Christ inhabited my head.  I fell asleep thinking of Jesus Christ standing before God in my defense, and my soul was at rest because the knowledge of being found right with the Almighty God was soothing.  Later I got up and read my Bible. I don’t think anything brings more passion to my soul than the Word of God. I feel so alive every time I read those precious words, and I feel as though I could never stop reading.  Growing up I always hated the Gospels because I thought I knew them all. But now as I live life sometimes I just sit down yearning for a story about Jesus and how he lived. I find such rest as I read about Jesus’ life and the words He spoke.  I love it. If anything, I think today I just needed God, and taking the rest to get that was far worth anything.

“…we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and He Himself is the propitiation for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for those of the whole world.”        1 John 2:1-2

Choices…

I think it’s interesting how we make choices and stress about choices and regret choices. More than anything I’m coming to realize that God is so much bigger than the choices we make. He’s too big and powerful to let a choice determine out life. Yes, we do live with the consequences of our choices, but that doesn’t mean that God doesn’t work with anything. If God could make the universe out of nothing, who am I to think He can’t make something beautiful out of all the messes I make? And in that I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that He’s got me. And His love is too big to let me fall away because of myself. So I’ll wait and watch Him work, and rest knowing that I have a loving God who wants the best for me. And one day I will be found in His presence, sobbing because I’ll know how much I do not deserve to be there, and He’ll say, “Welcome home, this is what love and grace is all about. And this is what I’m all about.” What a wonderful God and Savior I have! It’s overwhelming to know that I have not eve begun to understand that. And yet, He still cares, He still loves, He still desires the best, and He still welcomes me in.

God’s love…

“Our Father which art in heaven, we your children are often troubled in mind, hearing within us at once the affirmations of faith and the accusations of conscience.  We are sure that there is in us nothing that could attract the love of One as holy and as just as You are. Yet You have declared Your unchanging love for us in Jesus Christ. If nothing in us can win your love, nothing in the universe can prevent You from loving us. Your love is uncaused and undeserved. You are Yourself the reason for the love wherewith we are loved. Help us to believe the intensity, the eternity of the love that has found us. Then love will cast out fear; and our troubled hearts will be at peace, trusting not in what we are but in what You have declared Yourself to be. Amen.”
                                     ~ A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy

I read this prayer and it touched my heart. I love the opening line that says we are troubled in mind hearing both the affirmations of our faith and yet the condemnation of our conscience. I couldn’t identify with that more. I rejoice in who I am found to be in Christ, yet at the same time I recognize how unholy and unrighteous I truly am. Continually maintaining a balance in that is difficult at times. I also love how he says that because nothing about us is lovable, that means that nothing can keep us from God’s love. What a profound thought. I know it’s something we would all say we know but it’s far from something we understand, otherwise we wouldn’t try so hard at life. The ending of what Tozer says is perfect. We trust not in what we are but in who God says He is. I like how he didn’t say that we trust in who God says we are. We trust in God’s love because of who He is – ever unchanging. How beautiful. Our lives are secured in an unchanging God and we are able to rest completely in that. How beautiful is God and His grace towards us; though our understanding is limited it never changes how He relates to us.

too close to see…

I was reading St. John of the Cross the other day and what he had to say was very profound. I love reading writings of “ancient” followers of Christ because the clarity in which they saw life and God is so inspiring. I think that most people think that everything they have to say is old news and that’s why they are long forgotten . Every one is looking for the next new thing, right? So why  read writings from 500 years ago? What a treasure we have lost. Anyways, back to what I was reading – St. John of the Cross was talking about how as followers of Christ we can get so hung up on following Christ and what we gain from serving Him that we miss God altogether. We fall in love with the feeling of being in His presence and the joy we get from serving Him and doing good that our heart is ever so slightly misguided into our experience and away from our God.  Instead of being hung up on sins we are hung up on our own spirituality which still draws us away from God yet in a way that isn’t visible. All our surroundings are so spiritual and moving that we never realize we’ve lost focus of God Himself. It’s amazing all the ways in which we can be deceived. I wonder if that is why Paul said in Corinthians that he does not examine himself nor care if others examine him because God is his judge. Sometimes we just don’t even have the perspective to understand where we are really at.

“For a soul will never grow until it is able to let go of the tight grasp it has on God.”

                                                                                                           St. John of the Cross

unusable…

I’ve been thinking about this past semester and where I’ve seen God work the most. The answer I came up with was in Danny, a non-Christian freshman. I’m an adviser for freshman this year and Danny was placed in my group. He came to school 20 days late because he couldn’t get his visa to leave China. Within the first week of Danny being here, he said that even though he had never believed in a God, he could not help but believe that God had arranged it for him to come to American to learn about Him. Ever since he has not stopped seeking and learning about God. Danny still isn’t a Christian, but his plight in finding God has brought strangers close together, it has restored hope in many who had given up, it has brought tears of joys to those who long to hear of God moving, it has renewed some in their own journey to finding God, and it has some that God really can be seen today – here and now.
What I took away from all these thoughts is that Danny is still not a Christian, and I know handfuls of Christian students on fire for God longing to be used by Him – myself included. And I cannot help but think that our service isn’t what God really wants. At least in my world God chose to sidestep every “on fire” student I know and he picked Danny to put us all in awe of Him. We worry so much about where God is using us and if we’re doing things right, and because that is our focus we miss it altogether. Maybe we’re too busy trying to serve God and give Him everything that we’re unusable. We think we have so much to offer God that we end up getting in the way. God uses the unusable because there is absolutely know way it can mess things up. Danny never had an inkling about serving God and impacting people so nothing he was expecting or trying to do got in the way. And I’m not saying we should all stop trying to serve God by any means, but maybe we should just lay it all down and just seek God for a time.

       “…and break up your unplowed ground;
       for it is time to seek the LORD,
       until he comes and showers righteousness on you.”           
                                                                 Hosea 10:12

Tis the Season…

 I love how every year Christmas means so much more to me than it did the year before. I think it’s because with every year I gain a little more understanding of this cursed world we live in and how desperately we all need hope. Maybe it’s because I’m a psychology major or maybe it’s because I’m just getting older, but every year I see more and more how much pain and suffering surrounds us and how many broken hearts and imprisoned spirits walk the same halls we do. The more I see it the more I long for an answer and it’s every year at Christmas that I’m overwhelmingly reminded of what that answer is. Christ came to be our hope in this diseased earth; He came to be a light, to open blind eyes, to set the captives free, and to remove the darkness that surrounds us (Is. 42:7). Every year as I read the Christmas story the power and beauty that the message brings fills my soul. I understand just a little more why a Heavenly host of angels came to announce that small child’s birth, why a magnificent star was placed in the sky for the whole world to see, why kings traveled days to find Mary and Joseph, why ungodly shepherds could not help but fall on their knees in worship, why Simeon and Anna praised God and could finally rest at peace, and why Mary treasured all these things in her heart. A Messiah has been born and a Savior has come and there is an answer to the sorrow that this world contains. Hope has been brought to us.

To me the joy of Christmas is understanding this. It’s understanding that the Christmas story is a story that tells us that God sees the pain that is here and He has sent His Son as a Redeemer. They called Him Jesus because he would save His people from the devastation of their sin. He is our hope. So regardless of the circumstances that surround me or others, I can rest assured knowing that a child has been born, a son has been given, and an answer has been found.

At last…

I’m home at last! It feels so good. This semester has been too busy and has worn me too thin. That’s already going to be a new year’s resolution for next semester (even though I don’t make new year’s resolutions).  I’m just excited to be able to rest and not have anything on my mind. Even if I got a chance to sleep this semester my mind would always be racing and never let me rest. I would fall asleep full of thoughts and wake up by six with the same whirlwind thrashing in my head. Now I know why God made “keep the Sabbath” a commandment.  I think what’s been most disappointing about how busy I was is that it really did affect the time I was able to devote to walking with God. I still prayed and read my Bible, but I was so exhausted and distracted that it was never enough. I think that is the first time in my life that that has ever happened and it grated against my soul all semester. I hated it. So this break will be good not only for physical rest, but for spiritual rest.  Reading my Bible and praying always brings the most rest to my body and spirit and that has been so hard to miss out on.  There’s just something about being able to pray or read those holy words that just allows the stress to ease out of my bones.  With that, I think I’ll be signing off. I’m going to go get lost in the writings of the ancient saints…   God Bless and I hope you find true rest yourself.

Reminiscing…

Every once in a while I think back to the the life I lived in Mexico. It’s something I never wanted to forget, yet I fear that the longer I am here the more I do.  I’m starting to forget about simplicity and how true joy was found there. I forget that the perfect life does not consist of perfection but of an attitude that welcomes all things. I’m slowly being bought into the necessity of image whether it be physical, spiritual, relational, or whatever.  And ever so slightly am I drawn into a purpose driven life. I feel as though I’m being sucked in and I don’t know how to pull myself out.
I long for simplicity because it embodies real life. I’ve gotten so busy that I’ve forgotten about living and sharing life with others. How could the things I do ever replace the lives I was involved in and the precious meaning that was found there?
And perfection is so easy to strive for because it seems to readily available. We’re always offered something more that will enhance our lives. So why not get the one last thing that will help? It’s such a vain ambition. Life will never be perfect and we’ll only continue to be unhappy if we strive to better it because it will only constantly reminds us of what we do not have. I’m trying so hard to fight against the current of lies, but they suck me in and I don’t know where the standard is that will help me gain a good perspective.
Image has been one of the last to drag me under, but I can feel it’s pull. I think that the more I loose simplicity the more image draws me in because I have lost those intimate relationships where I shared who I really was. When people don’t truly know you and you can’t share your life with them day in and day out it leaves you in a world where you feel misunderstood. This leads to the need to create an image so that people won’t mistakenly judge you. Sadly, I’m slowly getting there.
And finally purpose. You may question me strongly on this one, but I really don’t believe life is about purpose. It’s something we all want, but the problem comes when it is something we all strive for. In reality, it’s the same thing with all the other things I’ve talked about. The problem isn’t in possessing each of those, it’s in the fact that we strive for them. In making them the focus of our lives we loose sight of God and take life into our own hands. We need the control too much. Being involved, bettering one’s life, having an image, and possessing a purpose are all natural parts of life. The problem is that we know that, and see that our lives are missing them. It then becomes our focus in life to get them back. And that is the trap because we don’t obtain them by seeking them. We obtain them by seeking God and living each day as it is entrusted to Him. The purpose of man is to fear God and obey his commandments (Eccl. 12:13), not seek after every possible way to make our lives right on our own terms. I feel like maybe this is what Ecclesiastes is all about. Life does become vain and empty if we try to control it ourselves.
I started to find  myself on the edge of being pulled in to a way of thinking that I knew would destroy my life. But in thinking it out I think I have  found myanswer, you know, that standard that will help me gain perspective again. God is good, why do I so easily forget Him?

Words…

It’s been my goal this break to read all four of the gospels. I’m a little behind in my goal but last night I was reading in Matthew,  and the words of Jesus hit me quite hard. He was talking about how what we say comes from within – something we all know I suppose. But then he said. ” …every careless word that people speak, they shall give an account for it in the day of judgement. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt. 12:36-37). I couldn’t help but think how many careless words I throw out in a day. Especially yesterday when I got in a stupid argument with my sister. But if every word will be judged… man, it makes me wonder what I’m really saying every day. And at the end of every day will I be justified or condemned by what has come out of my mouth? Have I lifted people up and brought life? Or have I beaten others down and smothered the flame that lives within them? By far I know I am guilty of wasting opportunities to bring life.  And I can’t help but know that every word Jesus spoke had a purpose. After all, He was the Word of Life. So I pray that I can only be the same in the world I live in, and I hope that I will be held accountable to that.  

 ”May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”  Ps. 19:14

Influence…

The other day my boyfriend and I went to a used bookstore. I think there’s something very romantic and mystical about old books. I think I could be around them all day. To be honest I wasn’t very impressed with the selection of books at this particular place, but when I was amidst the dusty shelves looking for something impressionable I thought about the amount of impact my choice could potentially make. I think anything that we allow into our minds has some bearing of influence whether we agree with it or not. If we allow the material in it will in some way ifluence our thinking or perspective. As I looked at all the different authors on the shelves I realized I had no idea who they were or what agenda they were trying to get across in their writings. I suddenly became more guarded about buying a book at all simply because I didn’t know.  I didn’t know who I wanted to guide my way.  None the less, I did end up buying a book. It’s titled Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander by Thomas Merton. Thomas Merton is a monk who wrote during the 1960’s. Really the book I bought is irrelevant, but I’m glad I had the thoughts I did during my visit to the old bookstore. I will forever be aware of what I am choosing to let in. Everything will guide my thoughts one way or another, and what is worth my time? I think Song of Solomon said it best: “But beyond this, my son, be warned: the writing of many books is endless, and excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body.”  Eccl. 12:12

:)

God is so good. The days I wake up thinking that are always the best. I hope you enjoy His presence today.

Lasting impression…

For about a year now every Sunday night I’ve been watching 4-5 year old class at the church I attend. I started doing it because I figured I had the time to give and it would help some people out.  I soon found out that the kids I watch at the worst behaved kids I have ever encountered. They never have any inclination of obeying me and run around and scream like little crazy people. Needless to say almost from the beginning I have dreaded every Sunday night, however, I keep doing it because I know it gives the parents an opportunity to study God’s word and fellowship with other parents – something I gather is much needed. 

Regardless of all that, what I really wanted to write about is the thoughts I’ve had about my interactions with these young children. Early on I began to consider what I had thought of church as a little kid and I remembered how boring I always thought it was. I hated going to church. And what I realized is that the age these kids were at was the age that they will start forming their impressions of church and Christians, and I have no doubt these impressions will most likely last them all throughout high school. This thought drastically changed the approach I take every Sunday in how I treat these kids. If this class I teach will be the basis for their impressions of Christianity, then I want to do my best to represent it well.  What I want them to know most about God is that He loves them dearly. So I don’t yell or get upset or tell them their doing everything wrong (which is more than true), but instead I try to find ways to incorporate Bible stories and God into what they already like to do. I don’t know what difference it is making, and last night when one of the children’s pastors came in I’m sure she was astonished to see how out of control the room was and how crazy all the kids were, but I also know that those kids had a lot of fun acting out all the Bible stories we came up with and they didn’t feel condemned for being the lively kids that they are.  So, even if you may feel like you’re loosing all control, whatever situation you find yourself in I encourage you to remember what impression of God you’re making, and act out of that instead of the strict lines society so desires.

A glimpse…

Whenever I have time to spare I run up to the second floor of our library, grab my favorite Bible (which I think our school should donate to me when I graduate because I’m sure I’m the only one who reads it) and I head to the very back where a chair is secretly tucked away in the corner. Today as I looked around me I wondered about all the books that surrounded me and all the different minds and thoughts they represent, and I wondered what God thought of it all and if any of it is right or if we’re all just off the wall with our limited understanding. Yet considering the vast human perspective that was represented in our small library seemed so powerful and inspiring. Then I thought how, regardless of what any of those books say, in my lap was sitting a book not written from the mind of any man but instead written from the heart of God. How powerful is that? To think that the God of the universe cared enough to send a book so that man could get a glimpse of who He is and what His intentions are. I suddenly didn’t care if I ever read any other book again. 

    Who is like the LORD our God,
         Who is enthroned on high, 
    Who humbles Himself to behold
         The things that are in heaven and in the earth?
                                                                                                         Psalm 113:5-6, NASB

Mark 12:27

“He is not the God of the dead, but of the living; You are greatly mistaken.”

                                                                                    - Jesus Christ

A grain of salt…

Most of the time I just like to laugh at myself. My thoughts are always crazy, random, contradictory, and all over the place. How is anyone supposed to make sense of this world, especially if they think like I do? I think sometimes I try to take myself seriously, but it only takes me 20 minutes or so before I just shake my head and laugh. What do I know?  I think that’s when I realize I just need to kick back and relax and let life flow. Life will be what it’s going to be, and in reality how much are the worries of today going to affect me 6 months down the road? How little my world can become. Sometimes I think someone just needs to say, “Kelly, it doesn’t matter and nobody cares.”  Haha, so true…

birds eye view…

Sometimes I like to sit in the windowsill on the second floor of our library and watch the people walking across the plaza. You can tell who’s worried and who’s rushed, who’s having fun and who’s lonely, who’s incredibly busy and who doesn’t have a care in the world. As I watch everyone I can’t help but know that God is most certainly in and among us. Just being as high up as the second floor, I feel so disconnected from everyone walking down below.  We say that God is with us that He is all around us knowing what is going on, but I think we rarely believe it. I always go up to that windowsill to remember how close God really is. There’s no way He can hear all the prayers He hears and be as involved as He is without sitting in our hearts and hearing each thought or being right by our side listening to each conversation we have. Our God is right here with us, walking with us throughout each day. He has to be, otherwise He would be too disconnected. It’s one or the other. I hope you’re as comforted as I am to know how close our God resides in our lives. And if necessary, take a trip to a second story window and sit and watch and soon enough you’ll understand.

“But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; “

                                                                              –  Psalm 73: 28

“My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road. Though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me.
And you will never leave me to face my struggles alone.”
                                                                                                                 – Thomas Merton

This prayer couldn’t reflect my thoughts more. I have no idea where I should be headed, but I do want to please God adn do His will, and yet it’s true that just because it’s my desire doens’t mean that I actually am pleasing God. But I know that God is always gracious and that often times we get so caught up in worrying about doing the right thing that we loose sight of God altogether. So I will continue to seek God and keep my focus on Him.

Heart of Worship…

“I’m coming back to the heart of worship…”

I really like the words to that song because I find it something that I always need to be evaluating. It’s easy to start off right and slowly lose sight of what worship really is. I can read my Bible and pray every day, I can examine the life of Christ and understand new principles and ways of living, and I can meet with people and talk about God all I want, but unless God is truly at the center of it then it’s all in vain. I catch myself holding back from others, reading my Bible instead of sitting in God’s presence, blogging thoughts on-line instead of sharing my life with people all around me. But I continue to seek that heart of worship that God talks about, and I’m thankful that it’s a continual process because it makes me focus that much more. Thank God that He is gracious and faithful to us. He is so good.

our cluttered world…

Sometimes I sit in church disgusted at the clothes and makeup I’m wearing, bothered by the flashing lights and created atmosphere, and wondering if we will ever see pass the obsessive amount of distractions we live our lives by.  Why do I care what clothes I put on, since when did life become about the clothes we wear?  Why is money so important? I know God builds His kingdom without it. It’s just every once in awhile that I realize that we live in the most fake and made up world and we’ve created it all ourselves.  In the past year I’ve realized why the ancients put on sackcloth when they sought God. Sometimes when I pray I change out of the nice clothes I have on, let my hair down, and get down on my knees and pray. It brings me to God with just myself and it helps all the distractions fade away.  They say if you look good, you’ll feel good, but what pretending do I have to do before God? I like the reality that I can sit before God and He can see my heart and I can see my heart regardless of where I’m at. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable and hard when something ugly is found there, but I love the purity and simplicity of those moments. That’s another reason why I often take my shoes off during worship. There’s something about it that humbles me and lets me know I’m standing on holy ground and there’s really nothing I can offer but myself. I hope as I continue this life I’ll continue to see more clearly, that as I grow the clutter will fade away, and that my mind won’t ”be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ.” (2 Cor. 11:3)

faithfulness by night…

When I lived in Mexico I used to watch the sunset every day. The colors that filled the sky and the light shining over the mountains always brought to mind “the heavens declare the glory of God.”  And there was something about recognizing God’s faithfulness as the day closed out in darkness. The faithfulness of those sunsets always reminded me that God loved me.
Since I’ve been in Michigan I’ve missed those sunsets; I’ve missed the daily reminder of God’s power, faithfulness, and love. Not that I don’t see it in other places, but I liked those moments that ended each day so peacefully. I hadn’t thought about it much until yesterday when I walked outside my room to head to dinner. As soon as I got past my building I saw the sky beautifully painted in colors with the sun half sunken on the horizon. And I couldn’t help but smile because it was a long forgotten reminder of God’s love. It was much needed. I hope you know that God loves you today and that He is faithful.

exposed…

^“And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. “

Gen. 2:25

This week a pastor came and talked in my human sexuality class about a Biblical take on sex. Although the topic was sex what I took away from it really didn’t have anything to do with sex. In his discussion he was talking about how when God completed the creation story He ended with Gen 2:25. He then went on to explain that in this last verse God reveals His plan for paradise: a relationship in which two people can be completely exposed to one another and yet completely safe and accepted in the other’s presence. And the thought goes deeper than just them being naked, it means they were exposed in every way – holding nothing back. I can’t fathom the profoundness of that meaning in terms of any relationship/friendship. Imagine if we possessed the ability to be wholly ourselves with another person knowing that we could stand before them unashamed. Imagine if we could allow another person to be in our presence and allow them to be fully themselves and give them no reason to hold back. The power that such a relationship would possess is unfathomable. Which only leads me to know that that is the relationship God seeks out for each one of us – to be fully exposed and yet know that He unconditionally loves us – beyond doubt there is power in that relationship so let us continue to seek after it with all our hearts. And once we begin to grasp its workings let us strive to offer that grace to every person we encounter.

just a few feet away…

I was sitting in a meeting today where we were talking about holiness and transformation and I was inspired to spend more time with God. So after the meeting ended I walked over to the library, grabbed my favorite Bible, and headed to the back corner.  And it’s funny because I was turning to a passage that I’ve been reading for the past 3 weeks, but as I sat down I thought about how every time I open that Book it’s an opportunity to discover something new. I was so excited and as I began to read Philippians 3 for probably the 17th time I was blown away. I read it 2 or 3 times and was so excited about what those pages were saying. I can’t tell you all the thoughts that entered my  mind, but to suddenly grasp so much from a chapter that I’ve been reading for the past 3 weeks just blew my mind. How many times do I miss out on those opportunities because I’m not looking for something new? Even the fact that I had already spent time with God today and found it rather uninspiring and disappointing, and yet here I was a few hours later refusing to give up my search and finding an incredible world lying a few feet past where I had wanted to look. So be encourage and keep seeking Him because He promises to reward you. And if you happen to read this and know me, call me up and I’ll talk your ear off about what I think about Phil. 3.   Oh, and I read the passage in the amplified version – it made all the difference. Live blessed.

refreshed…

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written.  I think I get carried away with life sometimes and don’t give myself time to think. Such a sad thought. I’m so grateful God created a day of rest, even if we don’t practice it weekly we still fit breaks in here and there. I spent my spring break with my boyfriend in Mexico. It wasn’t at all what you would think. I went to show him my home, where  I grew up, and the people who have my heart.  My house is in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere surrounded by mountains.  Most of the houses are made out of mud, they just recently go electricity, and their water system is severely lacking, but I couldn’t love a place more. There’s a small group of Christians who live there and the encouragement and inspiration they bring to me is endless. They work hard for everything they have and never complain about what they don’t have. Their praises every week revolve around thanking God that there was rain so that their animals didn’t die or that their child is no longer sick because there’s no doctor around. The reality of their faith and what it means to them pushes me to know my God more. I wish that the life I lived now was one where God was literally all I had. It’s amazing we considered ourselves blessed to live as an American when really the blessings only created distractions and expectations that get in the way of us seeing and knowing our God. I always remind myself of what blessed really looks like, and that small little town is what always comes to mind.

missing the point…

^“Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul.”  1 Peter 2:11

I was reading Thomas Merton again and he was describing nature’s awakening at dawn, how it calls out to it’s Creator asking permission to “be” just as it did the first it was created. It was a beautiful picture until he got to mankind and how we wake up by our clocks already decided on what the day will hold for us. And then we go about our business completely unaware that we were created to be our Creator’s creation. “…paradise is all around us and we do not understand…” We miss the point and block out the beauty with noise. It made me realize how much I miss just sitting in silence. I used to go out into the woods and enjoy nature and listen will all my heart in the hopes of hearing that small Whisper. I’ve definitely gotten too busy, too caught up in not living. That’s what I’ve missed most this past year, and it has affected my joy and contentment so much. I think that is why so much of me is dying to escape from this culture.  I need out, because if I let that faint Whisper fade out I fear I’ll be lost forever. Lost in a world that never satisfies and that makes me feel like I need control and success – a world that will rob my soul.

excerpt from Thomas Merton:

“We face our mornings as men of undaunted purpose. We know the time and we dictate terms. We are in a position to dictate terms, we suppose: we have a clock that proves we are right from the very start. We know what time  it is. We are in touch with the hidden inner laws. We sill say in advance what kind of day it has to be. Then if necessary we will take steps to make it meet our requirements.”

3 things remain…

Yesterday 1 Corinthians 13 came up in two different conversations and both mentioned how in the end three things remain: faith, hope, and love. One of the questions asked was how are these three playing out in my life right now. I found it a well timed question considering the place my friends and I are finding ourselves these days. There seems to be so much we’re waiting on and so much unknown. So I thought about how faith, hope and love fit into life and I decided that no matter where I find myself, I start each new challenge or endeavor with faith, confident that God will see me through or that He has a plan. And that kind of leads me to hope, I start out with faith because I have a hope that I can trust in, a hope that says in the end all things will work together for good. So what about love? That was easy -  in between the faithful beginning and the hopeful ending we are called to love. Love fills the gap between faith and hope.  It fills the gap and gives us no reason to say we’re just waiting.  So if you feel idle or that your world is at a standstill until you find out what the next move is, take the opportunity to look around and see where God’s love is needed.  Perhaps our waiting is just God’s gift of love to the world.

 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
                                  1 Cor. 13:13

history…

It’s rare, but sometimes I just sit and think how incredible it is that God came down to earth, that the world we live in was once graced by the presence of our Creator. And then I’ve always wondered why humanity doesn’t bow down in wonder at the mere fact of it. But I guess in a small way we do. At least in our culture Christmas and Easter are two of the most celebrated holidays. And yes, they’ve much lost their meaning and have been covered over with insignificant things, but nonetheless, 2,000 years later God’s life and death are still celebrated. I find it quite remarkable and it makes me want to celebrate all the more. Christ’s time on earth IS remembered. What an incredible God and what a gracious Savior. How humble His love…

living life…

I like the thought of life. I think there’s something about spring coming that just gives everyone a feeling of starting over and breathing in new life again. It’s quite inspiring. You almost feel like you can conquer the world. And there’s something about knowing you have someone to share the adventures with that makes it even better. This summer I’m working at a wilderness camp and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m ready for something new, adventurous, challenging, and just something that will push me to grow. When I talk about having someone to share it all with I think of my boyfriend. He’ll be working in Mexico most of the summer, but I still can’t wait to tell him about what I am learning as the summer goes on.  And I can’t wait to hear all about his Mexican adventures either. We’re both so excited for each other and I think it’s because we both know the other person is going where God wants them to be. So while we’ll be far away and not even within a phone call of each other, we’ll still be living life together. We’ll both be pursuing passions and growing in faith and I suspect that we’ll be closer in the end because of it. I can’t wait.

“May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.”

gratitude…

I feel as though my thoughts on here have been lacking, and it’s not that I haven’t been thinking, I’ve just had too many thoughts to know what to post. Sometimes life comes at you too quickly. But I haven’t been so excited for life in a long time. If you care to go to my first post you can see the difference.  This year has felt more down than up, and when I finally felt like I was getting back on my feet I got mono and did all I could to just make it day to day. But there’s only two weeks of school left, and after that the unknown really. It’s funny, because while my heart aches at not being able to live with my family all summer, learn and grow with my boyfriend, or share my heart and life with friends I can’t wait to have the time with God. I feel as though I crave it every day, and I can’t wait to have the time to sit with Him, to dwell in His creation, to pour into His lost creation, and to learn more of who He is and who He wants me to be. My soul and heart need to be refreshed in Him so much. This will be a good summer, if nothing else I will rest in the presence of my Redeemer and learn what the next move is until He returns. I hope that your summer proves to be the same…

Thanks from a weary soul….

I want to use this post to thank all of you who have left comments or sent emails of encouragement. To be honest, while I’ve been learning a lot, it’s hard not to dread every day. I can’t wait till the day I get out of here, and it takes all of my strength to not zone out – even at that I often fail. But your your encouragement has kept me going and gives me hope to keep going, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You would think that with all God has been teaching me I would be overflowing with excitement, but every day is a struggle. The atmosphere and circumstances deny any ounce of fun from happening. And the girls in my cabin are far from wanting to develop a relationship. They’re here until they get out and they’ve had enough people betray them in their lives that it isn’t worth it to them to try at another relationship especially when they think it’ll only last a summer. Knowing this doesn’t mean I’m giving up, it just means I’m realizing that my 12 weeks of effort may be to no avail. It’s a hard pill to swallow, and yet I know God has brought me here and I know His purpose is always accomplished. So thank you for encouraging me and keeping me going. I have truly benefitted from you in Christ and I hope to continue giving my best throughout the rest of this summer. God Bless. And please keeps these girls in your prayers.